circulation. All its dramatic rights are fully protected, and 
^proceedings will be immediately taken against anyone who 

^ stremnf-; to infriim-e thorn.") 



The Suf fragent 



A Social Satire 



^n (Original ^laj> in tlTfirce glcW 



BY 



EDWARD STAATS DE GROTE TOMPKINS 

•'Thrnugh Da-rid' s Realm," An Honest Hypocrite," Etc. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



DOomat.Ti'^jQ 



Boston. 

Blanchard Fruiting Co. 
1910 




Class 

Book ^O gS ^S ? 

Copyright }^°__^4~^ 



COPyRfGHT DEPOSIT. 



(Notice. — This play is here privately printed and not for 
circulation. All its dramatic rights are fully protected, and 
proceedings will be immediately taken against anyone who 
attempts to infringe them.) 



^ The Suf f ragent 



A Social Satire 



BY 

EDWARD STAATS DE GROTE TOMPKINS 

Author of 
"Through David's Realm," An Honest Hypocrite," Etc. 



Boston. 



Printed by the Blanchard Printing Co. 
1910 



P3 35- . 



Copyright by 

E. 8. DeG. TOMPKINS 

1910 



)CI.D 20781 



^ 






INTRODUCTION. 



It has seemed to the author that a problem play might be 
written without the gloom of an Ibsen or the iconoclasm of a 
Shaw. But preachers have almost universally concluded that 
lessons must be taught by disagreeable methods. Since 
preaching by such means has almost entirely failed of result 
i-s it not fair to assume that something might be accomplished 
through joy and pleasure rather than by depression and un- 
happiness. In short the aim of the present effort is to show 
by an agreeable method that the theme "Fad versus Human 
Nature" can be illustrated, and just conclusions drawn, with- 
out violating either the laws of propriety or the general de- 
sire for pleasure. In fact the human being naturally craves 
the light, and also the lighter forms and lighter methods of 
instruction. If satire is gently used it can easily impress its 
lessons on humanity. 



THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY. 



John Manners, who is manly and believes in people being 
what they are. 

Harry McMayne, a nice young fellow who likes a pretty 
girl, but does not despise money. 

Ethelberta Donne, Who is manly and believes in people 
being what they are. 

The Reverend Dr. Gibbons, President of the E. S. L. 
Capable yet not unmindful of glory. 

Mrs. Stuyvesant Van Rensselaer Kruger-Jones, a social 
light. 

Miss Earnest, a lady severe in morals, mind and speech. 

Annette Silverton, young, fond and foolish. 

Miss Tattel, good, but interested in others. 

Mrs. Voisine, a lady who is willing to do odd jobs. 

ACT I. 
Mrs. Kruger-Jones' Drawing Room. 

ACT n. 
John Manners' Office, next morning. 

ACT ni. 
Committee Room in Convention Hall, next day. 



THE SUFFRAGENT 

ACT I. 

Scene. — Mrs. Kruger-Jones' drawing room. A table laid 
for tea. Hot water urn simmering. Enter Annette. 
She hastily looks the table over and adjusts things. 
Sits down at table, sighs. 

Annette. Oh! dear! I'm in such a pickle. In love with 
two men! Oh! oh! oh! {Enter Harry.) 

Harry. Hello ! sweetheart ! Didn't expect to see yours 
truly. 

Annette. Hello; dear. I did, I'm always let in. 

Harry. By jove this is a fine jot). Here I've been looking 
for one for months and now I've got it. Who'd ever think 
it? Poor but worthy young man. Young man in love with 
one girl, and trying to marry another. Petted by a rich, 
but elderly female and thrown on the co'ld charities of a cold 
world. My, though, isn't it chilly? 

Annette. Yes, very. You'll give me a cold if you keep 
on. 

Harry. Oh ! Annette, oh ! Bert, oh ! Mrs. Jones, Mrs. 
Kruger-Jones. 

Annette. Mrs Kruger-Jones. {Solemnly.) 

Harry. But I must explain my position. I mean my job. 

Annette. Your position! Yes, do. 

Harry. It isn't every man with a position v.^ho has a job. 

Annette. My intellect is feeble, but I can grasp that. 

Harry. But I have both. You say lucky man. Perhaps, 
but it is such a peculiar position, and such a ridiculous job. 
My position is just this. Owing to the exceeding kindness of 
Mrs. Jones, I mean Mrs. Kruger-Jones 

Annette. Mrs. Kruger-Jones ! 

Harry. I am bound to heed her slightest whim. She is 
very fond of young men. Now why are o'ld cats so fond of 
kittens ? 

Annette. I don't know. It isn't always reciprocated. 



Harry. But what I can't understand is, when they are 
fomd of them, why do they always want to marry them 
off to some one else? 

Annette. It may be spite. You never can tell. 

Harry. Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Kruger-Jones 

Annette. (Solemnly.) Mrs. Kruger-Jones! 

Harry. Is not so old herself. Nice place, bully style. I 
could be happy here. (Sighs.) 

Annette. I, too, could be happy here. (Sighs.) 

Harry. We two, you mean, could be happy here. (Both 
sigh.) Bert is a fine girl and she has the cash. 

Annette. John is a fine man and he has the cash. 

Harry. Annette, I love you. 

Annette. Oh ! dear, yes, I know fhat. But you have got 
to devote yourself to the Cause, big C, and don't you forget 
it. 

Harry. I know, I am here at a woman's rights meeting 
simply because I am poor. The women can suffer if thev 
want to. 

Annette. We do. Oh! Harry we do. But we suffer more 
without money than with. (Both sigh.) 

Harry. We'll, if we can't get married we will suffer to- 
gether. I'm to be the only man here. Pshaw ! I forgot, I am 
not here in the capacity of a suffragette. I am merely a 
gentlemanly usher, just an usher. (Enter Mrs. Jones.) 

Mrs. Jones. All alone, Harry, with Annette? 

Harry. The old cats have not arrived. 

Mrs. Jones. Now Harry, you must not talk like that. 
Ethelberta is not an old cat. 

Harry. Oh ! she's a trump. But how she does rag out ! 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, she is a bit manly, I must say. But, 
Harry, she is just the girl for you. I would so love to see 
you marry her. 

Harry. So would I. But marriage I suspect has not even 
entered her mind. 

Mrs. Jones. Put the idea there. No one has a better 
chance. She is fancy free. Lots of nice young girls marry 
foolish young men. I did myself. 

Harry. Yes, but he had money. I am poor, too deucedly 

8 



poor even to think about. What can I offer a nice girl? 
I have not even a heart. 

Mrs. Jones. (Smirking.) Come Harry. Come now, no 
more of that nonsense. (Annette giggles.) 

Harry. All right. (With a sigh and a wink at Annette.) 
I'll he a man. 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, Harry, you must. You know old age 
must respect itself. (Annette waves her hand at Harry.) 

Harry. Huh! (With a grimace.) 

Mrs. Jones. Now it was very good of you to come this 
afternoon. It will give the affair such an air of 

Harry. Respectability you mean. 

Mrs. Jones. No I don't, you silly boy, quite the contrary, 
in some people's eyes. (Jestingly.) 

Harry. Who's eyes ? 

Mrs. Jones. Oh ! the old cats you were speaking of. I 
meant it would relieve the affair of being a hen party. 

Harry. With one rooster. I don't see that that helps it 
very much. 

Mrs. Jones. But there won't be one rooster. Mr. Man- 
ners is coming. 

Harry. Mr. Manners is coming, Mr. Manners is coming. 
He is coming. Let me think. Do you mean that John Man- 
ners is coming to your hen party? (Annette clasps her 
hands.) 

Mrs. Jones. 1 don't know about the hen party. You 
rather intimated it would be a cat party. 

Harry. John Manners, the calm, dignified proper 

Mrs. Jones. Proper, did you say? (Surprised.) 

Harry. Yes, proper. If you could know how utterly 
sihocked I am you would know something was improper. 
How is he going to dress? How shall I put it in the paper? 
Shall it be in low neck and short sleeves, in black satin and 
point lace or plain street costume. I must know so as to 
get it right in the morning paper. 

Mrs. Jones. You needn't bother about that. I have that 
all fixed. The reporter just left. 

Harry. Good heavens ! madam, and did you put me in, in 



any such appropriate but ridiculous garb? John Manners! 
Ye gods and little fis^ies ! 

Mrs. Jones. No, I just said my dear friend, Mr. Mc- 
Mayne, had consented to act as usher, and with that grace 
with which he leads the cotillion was enabled to make the 
affair pass off as a social function. 

Harry. Good God! When I am just a butler. 

Mrs. Jones. Don't be silly. It was nasty of Hodges to act 
as he did. I thought English servants had no principles. 

Harry. Well, you found out. (Enter Miss Earnest.) 

Mrs. Jones. Delighted to see you, Miss Earnest. You 
know Mr. McMayne. He has so kindly offered to help us 
out and brighten up our little company. I leave you to him. 
(Exit.) 

Harry. My dear Miss Earnest, you see the hole I'm in. 

Miss Earnest. Hole! This drawing room a hole. Why 
it is the handsomest room in town. 

Harry. I don't mean this ranch 

Miss Earnest. Ranch indeed I Mr. McMayne I do not 
understand you. 

Harry. Oh ! now come, don't be hard on a fellow. I 
mean the situation — eh — the fix I am in. 

Miss Earnest. I see nothing of the sort. You don't look 
in the least like one in a fix. You look rather happy and 
contented. Indeed if I may speak my mind 

Harry. You may. (Aside.) She always has. (To An- 
nette.) 

Miss Earnest. I think something a little more serious 
would be becoming. 

Harry. Serious. Ye gods and little fishes. If this isn't 
something serious I'd like to know what is. 

Miss Earnest. There, young man, you are right. It is 
serious. It is one of the great moments of the age. 

Harry. Yes, yes, I knew. 

Miss Earnest. Now don't interrupt me. In interrupting 
me you may be destroying the influence which all ages made 
possible. You cannot tell if the few words I say to you now, 
into yotir heedless ear 

Harry. My ear is all right, only I am not deaf. 



10 



Miss Earnest. W'ho said you were deaf? 

Harry. But you were making remarks about my ear. 

Miss Earnest. Your ear! (In contempt.) Your ear! 
Young man can you not see that life holds something 
earnest 

Harry. Rather— just now. (To Annette.) 

Miss Earnest. But you are frivolous. You are not suited 
to the times, to the vast expansion of the human mind which 
is opening out wide and upward tending to the development 
of the human race, until we shall be no longer in the bond- 
age of sin, that is, in the bondage of man 

Harry. I say, I think you are getting a little rough on us. 
We aren't so awfully bad, don't yer know! 

Miss Earnest. But it is this frivolity, this unheeding 

Harry. Ear, yes, I know. But there are other ears than 
mine. Go out into the waste places of the earth and tell 
them. Don't pitch on a poor fellow like me who has to earn 
his living. 

Miss Earnest. You a man, talk of earning your living. 
You should earn your living. You should make yoursdf the 
bright and shining star that should lead the cause to victory. 

Harry. What cause? There are such a lot. 

Miss Earnest. Why, the cause. The only cause that is 
now before the world, the cause 

Harry. Sav.. do you know I am awfully mixed. I want 
to do my duty and somehow your words give me a tre- 
mendous inspiration but I don't know what for. 

Miss Earnest. You here, here today and you tell me you 
don't know what you are here for? 

Harry. Yes I know what I am here for. Do you know 
what you are here for? 

Miss Earnest. Here for! Why I am here to bear wit- 
ness to the eternal truth, "which is written in our very flesh, 
which throbs in our veins, which actuates and moves our 
entire being, the thin? which will do more to elevate and 
enlighten 

Harry. But to come down to earth. What is it anyway? 

Miss Earnest. What is it anyway! You tell me that, 
you in this sanctuary devoted (he looks around) devoted to 



11 



the furtherance of the greatest cause on earth. Now tell me 
why do you ask such questions when you yourself are here? 

Harry. I ? Oh ! I know very well why I am here. 

Miss Earnest. Well tell me then. Tell me in clear, con- 
cise words. Tell me from your heart. Tell me with your 
brain most clear, and your tongue most strong. 

Harry. Here? Well, I am here as a butler. 

Miss Earnest. As a butler! 

Harry. Yes, didn't you know. 

Miss Earnest. No. I didn't. {Enter Miss Tattel.) 

Harry. By Jove, I must brace, or the social function will 
look like a cocked hat. How do you do. Miss Tattel? 
(Shakes hands.) You know Miss Earnest? 

Miss Earnest. Shoulder to shoulder Miss Tattel and I 
have stood through long hours of anxiety and anguish, look- 
ing throug'h the darkness to see some glimmer of the 
dawn 

Harry. If I may suggest Miss Earnest, late hours are 
very bad for any cause. You lose your grip, you know. 

Miss Tattel. Oh ! but, dear Mr. McMayne, you know mv 
dear friend is only figurative. But do tell me how you 
came to be here, I would so like tO' know. 

Harry. I was just telling Miss Earnest when you arrived. 

Miss Earnest. Yes he was going to put to me from his 
standpoint, a standpoint which perhaps a man can best un- 
derstand, and one w^hich would perhaps my dear Susan 
enable us to see clearer and deeper into the vast problem we 
have before us. 

Miss Tattel. Oh! I am so interested. 

Miss Earnest. He says he is here as a butler. 

Miss Tattel. As a butler? 

Harry. Yes, as a butler. You see it is like this, Hodge is 
an Englishman. 

Miss Tattel. And pray who is Hodge? 

Harry. Oh ! Hodge or 'Odge as he calls himself is Mrs. 
Jones, I mean Mrs. Kruger-Jones' butler, and when he heard 
she was to give a reception for the E. S. L. he came out 
quite flat-footed and said " 'E 'adn't hany huse fer sich 
damned nonsense." 



12 



Miss Earnest. How awful ! 

Miss Tattel. Awful, such language! And Mrs. Jones dis- 
missed him at once? 

Harry. No she didn't. She just sent for me. What do 
you think of me? 

Miss Earnest. And you don't believe in woman suf- 
frage ? 
Harry. Oh! yes I do. It pays. It gives me a job. See? 
Miss Earnest. You wretched boy! To jest at so serious 
an occasion. {Exit Harry.) Is it not awful to what depths 
we sometimes sink. I was really hoping we might have suc- 
ceeded in getting one man in the fold. It is so strange we 
have to fight the battle all alone. 

Miss Tattel. Cheer up sister. There is much in life yet. 
It is very interesting to see and watch humanity. Now this 
young man may be won from the error of his ways. 

Miss Earnest. From the error of his frivolous ways! He 
is too sordid to care for ought but himself. He accepts Mrs. 
Jones' kindness and then mocks her noble efforts. 
Miss Tattel. Do you think she is very fond of him? 
Miss Earnest. She makes him her servant. 

Miss Tattel. Yes, so I see. But do you think 

Miss Earnest. Think! I don't think, I know. 
Miss Tattel. Oh! do you? (Significantly.) 
Miss Earnest. (Not heeding.) I know the world is all 
too gay, ail too insincere, all too selfish. I know few there 
are who are willing to leave its follies and work for the wel- 
fare of humanity. I know . (Enter Harry.) 

Harry. Step right this way. (Enter Mrs. Voisine.) Let 
me present you, Miss Earnest, Miss Tattel. Yes I know you 
know, so just tell Mrs. Voisine all about it. First, that I am 
the new improvised butler, and give her all the instructions 
about the higher life and so forth. Mrs. Voisine confided to 
me that she was crazy about it as we were coming in. (Exit.) 
Miss Earnest. The saucy boy! 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes. I would so like to know all about it. 
Do tell me. 

Miss Earnest. We are very glad to see you. We wel- 
come all who can help. 

13 



Mrs. Voisine. And I can do so little. 

Miss Earnest. But we all count, if not in genius at least 
by force of numbers. 

Mrs. Voisine. I hear you take such a noble stand. 

Miss Earnest. We trv to do so. But in these days there 
seems little good we can do without our rights. Once give 
us these and then 

Miss Tattel. But perhaps Mrs. Voisine knows something 
about the people we are going to meet today. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! no. I am a stranger. I only know we 
are to meet that great and good woman, our worthy presi- 
dent, is it not so? 

Miss Earnest. Yes indeed, that noble woman whose life 
is a beacon light 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! yes. {Rapturously.) 

Miss Earnest. Who is willing to tread the pathway strewn 
with stones 

Mrs. Voisine. How lovely ! 

Miss Earnest. Qimbing on, ever climbing on, on and up- 
ward . (Enter Harry.) 

Harry. (In great awe.) Hush! she's coming. 

Miss Earnest. Who's coming? Climbing on 

Harry. {Impressively.) Sh', sh ! 

Miss Earnest. Climibing . {Enter Dr. Gibbons escorted 

by Mrs. Jones in great eclat.) 

Mrs. Jones. I have the great honor and distinction of in- 
troducing our beloved president. {She is presented to each in 
turn.) Miss Earnest an eloquent and soulful leader, Miss 
Tattel our genial and helpful friend, Mrs. Voisine a nevir, but 
very ardent acquisition. Mr. McMayne, a friend of mine, 
who does me the honor of acting as master of ceremonies at 
this auspicious occasion. 

Harry. Very glad to meet you Madam. The fact is the 
butler won't buttle. 

Dr. Gibbons. Won't buttle? 

Harry. Nope. He says 

Mrs. Jones. Harry! 

Miss Earnest. Mr. McMayne! 

Miss Tattel. Oh! please! 

14 



Harry. Well he won't. That is all there is about it. He 

says " 'e won't 'ave h'any thing to do with such ha " 

Mrs. Jones. Harry! 

Harry. You see Madam he does not approve of women 
having rights. " 'E never buttled for sich people hand 'e won'.t 
now." 

Mrs. Jones. Dear Dr. Gibbons, I must explain. My but- 
ler is so set against our movement that I can do nothing with 
him. He simply refuses to serve. 
Dr. Gibbons. How very interesting! 

Mrs. Jones. How very disgusting! We are not even al- 
lowed to ask for our rights, and our very servants think them- 
selves our superiors. 
Dr. Gibbons'. But surely you have dismissed him? 
Mrs. Jones. Oh! no. I don't dare. I should never get 
another; at least not an English one. 
Miss Earnest. But your duty to the sacred cause of right 

should surely compel you to take the high hand and 

Harry. That's all right, Miss Earnest, but you see we are 
not all so far above the little needs of ordinary life that we 
can dispense with a good butler. 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, Harry, you are right. I really couldn't 
get on without Hodge. I couldn't, I know I couldn't. 

Dr. Gibbons. Yes, my dear, I understand. We must use 
common means to attain great ends. 
Mrs. Voisine and Miss Tattel. How beautiful ! 
Harry. And you see ladies you really can't have a func- 
tion 

Miss Earnest. What is a function ? 

I-Jarry. I don't know, I'm sure. A function is something 

where you have clothes on 

Miss Earnest. Clothes on! Well I should 

Harry. Yes, of course, and you eat 

Miss Earnest. And you talk this way, when thousands of 

souls are starving,' souls 

Harry. I was just saying you eat, you know, and have a 
butler, or — or — me. That makes a function. 

Dr. Gibbons. You naughty boy. You take your position 
too seriously. {Tapping him on the shoulder. Exit Harry.) 

15 



Nice boy, a friend or a relative? (A little inquisitively.) 

Mrs. Jones. Just a dear friend. {A little sentimentally.) 
(Miss Tattel looks at Mrs. Voisine who smiles sweetly.) 
And dear Dr. Gibbons I have another dear friend I want to 
introduce to you. 

Dr. Gibbons. A man? {Somewhat eagerly.) 

Mrs. Jones. Oh ! no, not this time. We cannot get very 
many male sufifra^ettes, at least not yet. This one is however 
almost as good as a man. 

Miss Earnest. You don't mean to say Mrs. Jones that 
any woman is almost as good as a man. Why I, in the eternal 
fitness of things, when the star of 

Mrs. Jones. (Sweetly.) Yes, I call her a star, perhaps 
because she isn't a man, and because she is still a woman with 
all a man's value. 

Miss Earnest. Yes, I know. Dr. Gibbons she is mannish 
it is true and the divine 

Mrs. Jones. (With a smile.) Yes, thank you, the divine 
mission seems given to her, for she not only lives and acts 
like a man, she carries out her principles by being to all in- 
tents and purposes one, since she has studied law, qualified her- 
self to practice, and put out her shingle, and devotes herself 
to righting the wrongs of the poor, who cannot afford to em- 
ploy a lawyer. She is very independent and denies the claims 
of womanhood, scoffs at feminine duty, actually sniffs at 
babies 

Dr. Gibbons. Indeed, she must be a character. Why is she 
so averse to babies ? 

Mrs. Jones. She claims every person has the right to be 
what they wish to be, to make their lives whatsoever they 
please, bound down by no trammels 

Dr. Gibbons. And does she entirely ignore the question of 
love and marriage? 

Mrs. Jones. iShe sneers at love as an imbecility of weak 
minds 

Dr. Gibbons. She surely must believe in marriage? 

Mrs. Jones. Marriage with her is merely the awkward 
necessity of maintaining the human race. I fancy she in- 



16 



dudes it with dish washing as inevitable to the proper con- 
duct of clean living. 

Miss Earnest. Yes, she has the noble idea of a soul that 
sprung from the earth and soars to the unending heights 
of . (Enter Harry, escorting Bert with great atten- 
tion; his manner loverlike and anxious, her's unheeding and 
possibly bored.) 

Mrs. Jones. My dear . (Shakes hands.) 

Harry. (Pompously.) I present you to the Rev. Dr. Gib- 
bons, the great apostle of Right and the valiant leader of the 
E. S. L. (Dr. Gibbons comes up with a curious, somewhat 
quizzical air. Bert has very mannish costume.) 

Dr. Gibbons. Delighted to make your acquaintance. (Very 
loftily as tho feeling her position.) I hear great things of 
you. You can be oi great use to us. (Patronizingly.) 

Bert. (Pulling off her gloves.) All right. I'm there 
every time. Put it there. (Giving her hand in a very free 
and easy fashion. Dr. Gibbons seems a little shocked.) 

Miss Earnest. Miss Donne has been very faithful. Her 
energies have been a great factor in our progress. 

Dr. Gibbons. I am so glad to hear it, so very glad. (She 
zmthdraws a little and joins Miss Tattel.) 

Miss Tattel. Charming girl and so rich. 

Dr. Gibbons. Eh! rich? (Evidently interested.) 

Miss Tattel. Yes, very. Devotes all her time to doing 
good. 

Dr. Gibbons. How very interesting. I must cultivate 
her. 

Mrs. Jones. 'My dear Bert, I was afraid you might not 
come as you hate teas and receptions. You always say they 
are so essentially feline. 

Bert. But really Mrs. Jones we must do something. I 
suppose you can't work for women without working in 
women's ways. 

Mrs. Jones. That is what I say. Teas have their place 
in the economy of the universe. (Dr. Gibbons nozv comes for- 
ward. ) 

Dr. Gibbons. Oh ! yes, we use all means, dear Miss 
Donne. That is, all means which are fair you know. All 



17 



means are fair you know in love and war. I hear you don't 
believe in love so you must take it out in war. (Bert looks 
at her a little critically.) 

Bert. Love is something for weak females and silly boys. 
{Contemptuously.) 
Harry. Oh ! don't, you hurt. 
Bert. I hope I do. 

Harry. I flee, besides I hear the bell. {Exit.) 
Dr. Gibbons. {Amused.) But have you never seen a man 
you admired? 

Bert. Oh ! yes, of course. I know one. He's a fine fel- 
low. I admire him immensely. We are pals, John and I. 
But I meet him on the ground of friendship, and we get on 
swimmingly I can teli you. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh ! I am so happy to tell you he is to be 
here today. 

Bert. What, John Manners at a vvoman's tea and that 
tea to give woman her rights. Heavens though, he must be 
daft. W'hy he perfectly hates everything that relates to the 
subject. We have regular jawing matches in my office. We 
were pitching bali yesterday and he got so mad at me that 
he went off in a huff. The old boy {laughs) muttered 
"damned lot of old tabbies." I called after him and said 
I heard, and that I'd give him a good pummelling if the 
ridiculous prejudices of the present age didn't prohibit a man 
from being knocked down by a woman. {Enter Harry. He- 
hears the remark.) ' 

Harry. Yes they are only allowed at the present time to 
pull hair and call names. But that is only a merciful dis- 
pensation of Providence. If we could be knocked down in 
addition to all the rest of the things we have to endure 
where would we be? {Exit and enters immediately escort- 
ing John Manners, as he supposes. John delays.) 

{Tea is passed at odd intervals to occupy those not speak- 
ing.) 

Harry. Here comes the bold, bad woman hater, the ob- 
ject of scorn by all the fair sex, the man who simply 
won't 

18 



Miss Earnest. See the great and good standards that we 
are striving for, the very elements which 

Annette. Oh! yes, Miss Earnest, he does see all that, 
but he is just a stupid man, all man, all dark ages, all medi- 
evalism, or orientalism, all 

Miss Earnest. Gracious, you don't mean that he believes in 
polygamy, in the debasing 

Annette. Oh! no. Only he won't flirt, won't frivol, won't 
do anything a man should. 

Harry. But there are others 

Annette. Oh ! you naughty boy, go away. 

Harry. (Piteously.) I can't. 

Dr. Gibbons. This is all very pretty, children, but we have 
higher things to discuss. I wish to see the singular young 
man who won't flirt. He surely is an anomaly. 

Harry. He'd make a good suffragette, just like me. 

Dr. Gibbons. (Playfully until the antics of an elephant.) 
Oh ! but I thought you were a butler. 

Harry. Yes I am. But you see I am not like 'Odge, I 
am also a suffragette. I am like (Bowing profusely to Bert) 
Miss Donne. I am a suffragent. 

Dr. Gibbons. A suffragent! (Smiling.) 

Harry. (To Dr. Gibbons.) That's what we call her. It's 
her clothes. <• 

Bert. What is that?, What did I hear? 

Harry. (Meekly.) I said I'm a suffragette, that is a suf- 
fragent, suffer a gent don't you know; that's all. But (In 
great haste) where is that wretched Manners? Kissing the 
maid I'll bet. 

Annette. Oh! Harry, how can you? 

Harry. I can. I'm disorganized. I don't know what I am. 
I came in a man, I suddenly found myself a butler, then by 
the advent of our worthy president I became a suffragette. 
Poor Manners, I wonder what has happened to him. 

Bert. Hating the maid, probably, with the rest of her sex. 

Annette. Now don't, Bert, just because you don't like the 
men. 

Bert. But I do like them, when they aren't cowards, and 
will stand up like men even if they do oppose a woman. 

19 



Mrs. Jones. Surely, Bert dear, they oppose us enough, 
they won't let us vote. 

Bert. It isn't opposition, it is just laziness. But here he 
is at last. (Enter John.) 

Annette. You naughty man. Where have you been? 
We were just beginning to demolish your character and you 
are none too soon. 

John. Well, you couldn't do that. It has been done al- 
ready. (Bitterly.) 

Miss Earnest. You don't mean 

Miss Tattel. Oh ! do let us know all about it. 

Mrs. Voisine. How dreadful ! 

Mrs. Jones. That is only an interesting episode. 

Dr. Gibbons. My character has been demolished and re- 
constructed so many times that I feel very like a portable 
house. 

Harry. I say, John, you have the appearance of a new 
born babe. You should bring your nurse with you when you 
beard lionesses in their den. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, that is better than cats. You are im- 
proving my boy. (Bert stands aside thinking.) But Mr. 
Manners, I must present you to Dr. Gibbons, the rest you 
know. (Jle shakes hands around, comes to Bert, looks at 
her inquiringly. She gives him her hand in a hearty man- 
ner.) 

Dr. Gibbons. I fear I am in much darkness in this matter. 
Do explain. 

Miss Earnest. Yes, let us have the fullest account. We 
standing as we do at the side of the great yawning chasm. 
(Harry yaxmis.) 

Harry. I trust, Miss Earnest, you are not becoming per- 
sonal in your hatred of our sex. 

Miss Earnest. Personal ; I do not understand. You do 
not suppose the mere interposition of a bit of male flesh 

Harry. Say meat, Madam, flesh is too dignified for any- 
thing I feel I am now. 

Miss Earnest. When great issues are waiting with gasping 
mouths. (Harry gasps.) 

Harry. There you are again. Mrs. Jones I shall go home 

20 



if this continues. I side with 'Odge. Eoware Madam, your 
only male suflfragette will desert you if you are not careful. 

Mrs. Jones. Be quiet, Harry. You are not respectful. 
Miss Earnest will feel hurt. 

Miss Earnest. I care not for myself, but for the great and 
grand issues for which the very intensity of our souls seems 
like fleecy clouds 

Dr. Gibbons. Pardon me Miss Earnest^ but we are most 
anxious to hear of Mr. Manners' misfortune. 

Miss Tattcl. Oh, yes, I am sure we are. 

Mrs. Voisinc. Quite sure. By the way dear Mrs. Jones 
I have not the pleasure of knowing Mr. Manners. He is I 
think the gentleman who is so bravely contesting the election 
of School Commissioner. 

Mrs. Jones. Yes. Permit me to present him. Mr. Man- 
ners, Mrs. Voisine is our latest acquisition. 

Mrs. Voisinc. Yes, I am so glad to meet you. In fact 
{Turning to Mrs. Jones.) I think it was on his account that 
I joined your society. (Miss Tattel pricks up her ears.) 
You know (Apolo'^etically.) I take such a deep, very deep 
interest in all that affects our rising generation. Is it not 
right, Dr. Gibbons? 

Dr. Gibbons. Surely. It is to the rising generation we 
look. The present seems past hope. 

Miss Earnest. Yes, past hope, but not past help. If we 
had only the power in our own hands. 

Harry. I should be electrocuted, yes, I know. 

Annette. Now you silly boy, can't you be quiet? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes. I have heard so much of Mr. Man- 
ners' high principle, and the dislike he has of those horrid 
politicians, that I felt I should so like to meet him. 

Bert. (Bluntly.) But I don't just see how you expected 
to meet him here. 

Mrs. Voisine. (A little confused.) Oh! not just that, 
Miss Donne. It was, well, it was perhaps a kind of intuition. 
Perhaps an inspiration. (Laughing.) 

John. I confess I did come here for help. 

Bert. Help ! You come to women for help. Shame. 

21 



John. Oh ! is it shame to come to women for help, and 
why? 

Bert. But you deny us our rights. 

John. I do not deny you your rights. 

Harry. Golly tho. He's right in it. He won't have an 
eye left when he leaves here. Jonah in the lions den. Oh ! 
no Dan. 

Annette. {Aside.) I'm so sorry for him, and he looks so 
manly and brave. {Gives him an adoring look, which Harry 
sees, and shakes his fist at her.) 

Bert. But you do not approve of our voting. You have 
said so. 

John. No, not generally. (Miss Earnest gets excited.) 

Bert. You know you would even oppose it. 

John. Perhaps, at times. 

Bert. And you came here then to ask our help? 

Miss Earnest. The eternal fitness of things should show 

Harry. Don't bother him, he's down. Bert will pulverize 
him in a second. Be merciful. 

John. Yes. I say frankly I came for help. 

Miss Tattel. The dear boy. {Tenderly.) 

Bert. But explain why you want help from those you 
despise. 

John. {Thoughtfully.) I don't despise — certainly not you. 
{Peculiarly.) 

ITarry. Ah ! bully boy. He knows when he's got his 
match. 

Annette. Hush, Harry. You scare me. 

Bert. I know. You are running for School Commis- 
sioner 

John. Yes, because to allow the beastly politicians to con- 
trol the schools is to strike at the foundations of society. 

Miss Earnest. Yes the fountain-head of inspiration which 

Harry. Yes, just the spot where ideas begin to shoot. I 
am with you John, old boy, one suffragette on your side. 
Bert. But while we all acknowledge the very great im- 

22 



portance of the cause there are many ways of viewing the 
welfare of that cause. 

Miss Earnest. Yes. We have a principle which we shall 
defend, and in defending the eternal 

John. {Earnestly.) But that is just why I am here. It 
isn't a question whether women have their rights 

Miss Earnest. It isn't? The 

John. Pardon me. The politicians use every method, 
right or wrong. It is then only right that we should, in order 
to successfully oppose them, use every method at least that 
is fair. 

Bert. True. But is it quite fair for you, who, we admit, 
stand for honesty and right, to come now to us for help, 
when you find yourself in a hole. Just because you are in a 
hole, and want to get out, you can pocket your pride and ask 
a favor, a political favor of a woman, simply because your 
pride is involved? 

John. My pride is not involved when 

Harry. When you stoop to ask women for their votes. 

Bert. Well put, Harry. 

Harry. Now Bert, I didn't mean that. He's down enough 
now. Here's one suffragette who won't jump on him. Go 
slow Bert, men sometimes stand by each other. 

Bert. No, but he takes occasion of a great and crying need 
to put us in a position where he thinks we will humiliate 
ourselves 

Miss Earnest. Which we will never do. It is not per- 
sonal feeling, it is that which lies 

Harry. Yes, the politicians all do. 

John. I do not wish you to humiliate yourselves. If 
there is any humiliation in the matter I think I am the one 
humiliated, to be here where I supposed at least I'd get sym- 
pathy if nothing else. You talk of principles. Well if you 
make a thing a matter of principle which is only a matter of 
pride, then I confess I have made a mistake. But Ethelberta 
Donne I had judged differently. 
Mrs. Jones. Good for you John. 

Dr. Gibbons. No, Mr. Manners do not think that. Miss 
Donne I am sure does not quite mean that. 

23 



Bert. I am not so sure, by gracious. 

Harry. Hit him again, Bert. 

Bert. Oh ! Harry do he quiet. You never had a sober 
minute in your life. 

Harry. (Aside.) Gee, how did she ever find me out? 
(Exit.) 

Bert. Now, John, look here. I know you do not come 
here for sordid reasons, that isn't in you. But you do not 
seem to see that to differ from us so radically as you do in 
principles, and then expect to act with us in practice, is put- 
ting us all in a false light. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, Miss Donne, it seems to me we should 
be made very ridiculous in the eyes of the world. But I do 
sympathize with Mr. Manners in his desire for help at this 
time. It is so important for the children. 

Dr. Gibbons. Certainly we must stand up for the children. 
It seems as tho Mr. Manners has acted with great discretion 
in this matter. It does not seem to me like personal pride 
but rather like a desperate case where strong measures are 
necessary. If Mr. Manners can forget that he is a man in 
his desire to further the welfare of the human race, it seems 
to me we can forget we are women in the same cause. Per- 
haps Mr. Manners would not have been so ready to ask 
our help or to conceed our value had matters taken a dif- 
ferent turn with him. Will Mr. Manners allow an old woman 
to suggest that in life we have to make many compromises, 
and when a compromise is not wrong in fact, it ought not to 
be in principle. 

Miss Tattcl. How beautiful! 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, just my idea only better expressed. 

John. But I don't see the compromise. There should be 
no compromise in that which is right. 

Miss Earnest. No compromise in giving up the cherished 
thought 

Bert. Yes, he can see no compromise when he wants any- 
thing. 

Dr. Gibbons. Don't say that. You are much too hard on 
him. {Turning to John.) You said, so far as I can under- 
stand it, that in running for school commissioner you have 

24 



excited the enmity of the politicians who apparently have 
done something to injure you? 

John. Yes, they are trying to blacken my character and 
make it appear that I am not fit to be school commissioner. 

Dr. Gibbons. And what is the nature of the charge they 
bring against you? 

John. That is just what I don't know. 

Bert. Oh, your character will take care of itself. Be a 
man and face them down. It is not expected of a man to be 
weak. Look at me. Am I weak? I scorn the idea. 

Annette. So do I. (Laughing.) 

Bert. A little scandal will only go a great way when it is 
nursed. Don't be a nurse. 

John. I don't care for myself. It's what I represent. 

Miss Tattcl. Oh ! but a scandal is such a dreadful thing. 

Mrs. Voisine. Dreadful. I am so sorry for Mr. Manners. 

John. Are you. Then help me, help me to do what I 
am trying to do. You say the school, the coming generation 
are the most important, the very things we must look to, to 
accomplish what we are all aiming at. Surely a little denial 
of self-ipride, a too close adherence cannot work together. If 
we can only forget that we are as one 

Bert. But can we? You won't give us our rights, why 
should we acknowledge your claims? 

John. It isn't a question of rights or claims. This is now 
a matter O'f doing, doing because it is right and we know it is 
right, and thinking out the reasons afterwards. 

Dr. Gibbons. Why you argue like a woman. You are half 
a suffragette already. As you know I am quite on your side. 

Annette. (Joyfully.) That's it. It is always the man, I 
knew he would win. 

Mrs. Voisine. Of course if I could help you, I should be 
so glad. I dp like to help people so. Besides (Thinking.) 
perhaps I can think of a way . Oh ! I know I can. When 
can I see you, tomorrow? 

John. At my office. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! yes . I know what I shall do. I will 
go now. I am sure you will excuse me (To Mrs. Jones.) 
Adieu. (Exit.) 

25 



Mrs. Jones. Surely a sweet woman. Really quite an ac- 
quisition. 

Dr. Gibbons. I feel Mr. Manners that really we must 
support you. At anv rate I shall do all I can. I presume 
if all the women we can muster in the local society were to 
vote you would be elected? 

John. I am quite sure of that. At least it would have 
a great weight with the community by showing you have 
confidence in me. 

Bert. Ah ! yourself again . 

John. Not at all. How can you be so unfair? (Angrily.) 

Bert. I am not. Just just. 

Miss Earnest. It seems that perhaps under the great 
stress of circumstances which 

Annette. Oh! yes of course. We will all vote for him. 
It will be such fun. And Mrs. Jones you will have a tea to 
celebrate the event. He must be elected. 

Adiss Tattel. How can we refuse. It is our duty. We 
must try. So good of Mrs. Voisine. I do wonder who 
she is. 

Dr. Gibbons. It matters little, my dear, who she is so long 
as she does. She may have some influence with these 
politicians. 

Miss Earnest. But we could never permit that. 

John. Oh ! not all politicians are bad. I have faith in her, 
she seems earnest and certainly looks capable. 

Bert. {With a sneer.) Place dependence on a woman. 
John Manners you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Always 
woman, woman, and never a woman's right. {Enter Harry 
in haste.) 

Harry. I have it, I have it. 

All together. What, what is it? 

Harry. I have the clew to your reputation. Oh ! old fel- 
low it is the old, old story. Don't tell me. {Dancing and 
waving his hands.) 

John. {Gasping.) My reputation ! 

Harry. Yes, your reputation, you rascal. You, so demure, 
so high-toned, so superior, so much above us mortals, so — so — 
Oh ! I can't contain myself. 

26 



Miss Tattel. (Eagerly.) Oh! do tell us, do tell us. I 
can't wait. 

Mrs. Jones. Harry, you are a rascal. Do you know you 
are inflicting torture? 

Harry. Yes, I know it. You aren't the only victim. Bert 
jump on him, he deserves it. Who would ever have sus- 
pected it? 

John. You might at least let us know. 

Harry. I think perhaps I had better not tell. 

Miss Tattel. Oh ! ( Groans. ) 

Miss Earnest. This, boy, is too serious a time to make 
light of things of grave importance. 

Harry. But hurrah, it is too good to be true. 

John. Will' you be so kind as to tell it ? 

Harry. Do you really want me to tell it? Tell it right 
here? 

John. Yes, right here ! 

Harry. Well, then here goes. It's a woman. 

All (Together.) A woman! 

Harry. (Grinning and bobbing his head with satisfac- 
tion.) Yep, a woman, a real strong woman. You are right, 
old chap, get a woman to catch a woman. I mean, a thief 
to catch a thief. How unfortunate I seem today in my ex- 
periences. (All look amazed and turn to John. He stands 
dumbfounded.) 

John. (After a silence.) You mean my character has been 
besmirched in connection with a woman? 

Harry. (Ecstaticallv.) Yep. 

John. And this is the shaft of my enemies. (The ladies 
look blank. Miss Tattel whispers to Annette zvho giggles, 
Mrs. Jones has a quizzical smile and Miss Earnest is evi- 
dently horrified. Enter Mrs. Voisine.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! I forgot to say Why, what is the 

matter? 

Dr. Gibbons. We have just learned Mr. Manners' repu- 
tation is involved with a woman. 

Mrs. Voisine. A woman ! 

Dr. Gibbons. I am not sure 

Miss Tattel. How dreadful ! 



27 



Mrs. Jones. Yes, John, you have placed us in a very 
awkward position. 

John. But surely you will not fail me now ? 

Dr. Gibbons. This is very serious, very serious indeed. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, indeed. 

Dr. Gibb.ons. There are many things for us, we are 
women, to think of. We have ourselves to protect. 

John. But for that reason you can best show your sym- 
pathy with a cause like the one I stand for. 

Miss Earnest. But not to tarnish our names, to soil our- 
selves by condoning an intrigue, that might blast 

Harry. Oh ! come now, you are in no particular danger. 
Your face is your fortune. 

Aliss Earnest. Horrid boy ! 

John. For shame that a human issue should be made 
subservient to a personal fear ! 

Dr. Gibbons. But Mr. Manners, I do not think it is that. 
You must remember no great matter can be decided at 
once 

Bert. Yes it can. 

Dr. Gibbons. Of course you would agree with me 

Miss Earnest. That we could not place ourselves in anv 
equivocal position 

Bert. Most certainly. 

John. Oh! Bert. 

Bert. I do say so most decidedly. We can never place 
ourselves in any equivocal position. 

John. You too, Bert? 

Bert. Yes I say so too. Never can we afford, standing as 
we do against the general opinion of mankind, never can we 
afford to put ourselves in an equivocal position. Don't let us 
be cowards and shrink from our duty no matter what per- 
sonal feeling we each may have. 

Miss Earnest. And you are with us? 

Bert. No, you are with me. (They look surprised.) 

John. Oh! Bert. (In despair.) 

BeYt. We can never afford, John Manners, for idle gos- 
sip ever to go back on an honest man. We will stand for 

28 



you. (Gives him her hand.) Am I right? {They all gasp 
a moment then say yes.) 



Curtain. 



29 



ACT II. 

Scene— John's oiHice in an oMce building. Bert's office is 
just across the hall. John alone. 

John. (Dropping pen.) Hang it! What's the matter with 
me? I am all unstrung. (Walks around.) This wretched 
business is getting on my nerves. Here I am twenty-six and 
upset just because some dirty rascals get up a story about a 
woman. Woman! Bah! Mighty little I care about a 
woman. A Woman! Well, I suppose they have their uses, 
but it is hard sometimes to discover them. They simper and 
grin and look pretty and make fools of the men. Thank 
heaven they have never done that to me. I fancy a woman 
would have to try awhile to do that. Now the kind of 
woman I like is one who can forget she is a woman, who can 
take life seriously, in short a woman who can act like a man. 
Bert is just such a woman. She and I have been pals for a 
long time, iust old pals. No nonsense, no love, ha, ha, love 
with Bert. It is funny. Why I should as soon think of mak- 
ing love to a lamp-post. But — by the way I wonder just 
what love is. I've never looked it up. I will now. Come, old 
Webster, let's see what you know about it. (Looks at dic- 
tionary.) Devotes a whole column to the subject. (Reads.) 
Humph ! All I can get out of it is "devoted attachment or 
tender feeling for one of the opposite sex." Say, I don't 
think old Webster knew what love was. I'll look at his 
picture. (Looks and laughs.) Think of his loving! Love, 
ha, ha. (Enter Mrs. Voisine.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Ah! good morning. (She smiles in a 
coquettish manner. He looks around in surprise and some 
confusion.) 1 trust I am not intruding. iJVitli a saucy 
manner. John recovers himself and offers a chair.) 

John. Oh ! no, not at all, pray be seated. (She docs so 
with some by play and looks around. He looks at her with 
curiosity and evidently zvaits to hear her business. She 
hesitates, then laughs a little.) You seem to be amused. 



31 



Mrs. Voisine. Well, yes, I am. 

John. Really, perhaps, — you might be so kind as to share 
your amusement with me. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, so I might, but I do not see just how. 
{Laughs.) 

John. Oh! perhaps you were laughing at me. {She shrugs 
her shoulders.), I suppose I am absurd. 

Mrs. Voisine. {A little tenderly.) Oh! no, you could 
never be that. 

John. Well, what is it then? 

Mrs. Voisine. {With a little pant.) Must I tell? 

John. I wish you would. {She laughs.) More mys- 
terious. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! I'll be frank. You were talking about 
love as I came in. {Archly.) 

John. Yes, I was soliloquizing, I believe. {Someivhat 
shamefacedly.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, and I did not mean to hear you — but 
the door was open. 

John. Yes it is hot here. 

Afrs. Voisine. And so I heard your remarks about love. 

John. It seems a common subject. 

Mrs. Voisine. It is — very. 

John. Then perhaps you laughed because it is so common. 
It bored you. 

Mrs. Voisine. {A little significantly.) Love never bores 
me. I mean it never bores a woman. {John looks be- 
wildered.) Don't be surprised. I'm not a frivolous woman. 

John. I didn't think you were. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! but you might. Men are so wrong in 
their judgments. 

John. Are they? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, terribly. 

John. I didn't know it. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! perhaps not. There are many things 
men don't know. 

John. For instance. 

Mrs. Voisine. That love bores a woman. There, now, 
don't look that way. {He hasn't.) I know just what you 

33 



men always think. (John looks bnvildercd.) 

John. Think ! 

Mrs. I'oisine. Yes, think. Please remember I did not be- 
gin this subject. It is of course silly. But I was so amused 
to hear you speaking of love 

John. But you say it is so common 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, common and so to hear you talking 
about it roused my sense of hurhor. 

John. (Confused.) My talking about it! 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, it seemed, ha, ha, it seemed, ha, ha, 

John. It seemed — ha, ha, (Severely.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Why, I must laugh. It seemed as funny as* 
if you had been repeating the multiplication table. 

John. Well, I don't see why I can't repeat the multipli- 
cation table if I want to. (Testily.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, surely you can, — but it would seem a 
little queer, would it not at this late day? 

John. I must confess I do not see what you are driving at. 

Mrs. Voisine. No? Well you were soliloquizing about 
love, not? 

John. Yes, but what had that to do with the multiplication 
table ? 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh, you don't see. (Imfafiently.) Well 
surely it must be as familiar to you as that. 

John. What, love? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, love. 

John. (Upset.) Love — love — it's rot. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! is it? I hadn't thought so. 

John. No, perhaps not. You are a woman. 

Mrs Voisine. That sounds very like a sneer. (Hurt.) 

John. Well, it wasn't. I think it is all rot, anyway. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Archly.) You? You think it rot? 

John. Yes. 

Mrs. Voisine. You, after your experience, at your time of 
life, after the — ha^ha— life you have led 

John. The life I've led! 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, you a handsome, attractive man. (John 

looks pleased.) You tell me love is all— ha— ha, ha . 

Oh ! it is too funny. To think at your age . Oh ! no you 

33 



can't believe I am such a fool. No. no. Oh ! you men ! 
{Coquettishly. Bert appears at the door unobserved by 
John.) 

John. Now Mrs. Voisine please don't misunderstand me. 
You really — please — ^why do you torment me this way? 
(Bert retires after a look of surprise, but subdues a laugh 
as she goes away.) 

Mrs. Voisine. I don't torment you, or at least I don't 
mean to torment you. You were laughing at love. You 
who have had so much experience. 
John. What? 
Mrs. Voisine. Yes, of course. At your age, now don't 

try to fool an old woman 

John. Love ! I tell you I don't know what it is. Do you 
know ? 
Mrs. Voisine. I? I know. I have been married. 
John. Well, what is it like? 

Mrs. Voisine. Like? How should I know. Marriage 
does not always mean love. (Miss Tattel appears at the 
door and is very much surprised, also delighted. She knocks 
very feebly.) 

John. Oh! (Laughing.) I thought it did. That is what 
I have always 'been taught. ' 
Mrs. Voisine. You have been taking lessons, eh? 
John. No, (Annoyed.) no, of course not, it is all rot. 
Mrs. Voisine. Are you quite sure? (With a laughing 
glance.) 

John. Yes, sure. (Miss Tattel again knocks feebly and 
coughs. They do not heed her. She tries to act dis- 
comfited.) 

Mrs. Voisine. But I tho't you were in some trouble, 
something about a woman ? 
John. Yes, so it seems. 

Mi's. Voisine. (Archly.) How could there be trouble 
with a woman without love? 
John. That is just what I can't see. 

Mrs. J'oisine. Nor L Now I do want to help you so 
much. (A little tenderly. Miss Tattel again coughs and 
thev hear and both start.) Oh! Miss Tattel! 



34 



John. I beg your pardon 1 did not hear you. 

Miss Tattcl. {Effusively.) Oh! I just came, just this 
moment. I was not here at all. I didn't hear anything, 
nothing at all. (Mrs. Voisine smiles significantly.) 

John. There was nothing to hear. Mrs. Voisine promised 
to come to see me yesterday. (Pause while Miss Tattel 

looks very expectant.) eh, she said she thought she 

could help me 

Miss Tattel. And she has? (Inquiringly.) 

John. Now, I don't know. 

Mrs. Voisine. (With a laugh and some coquetry.) I 
was beginning to, was I not Mr. Manners? (To Miss Tat- 
tel.) You see he is very easy to help. 

Miss Tattel. Yes, so I thought— I mean, I should fancy. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Giving Miss Tattel an expressive look.) 
It is not often we can help men in such a crisis 

John. Crisis! Do you call it a crisis? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, crisis. Why not? You said your 
reputation was attacked, you threw yourself into our hands, 
you asked for help — you 

John. But crisis is a pretty strong word. (Enter Harry.) 

Mrs. Voisine. But for a man who says he knows nothing 

of love (Sees Harry.) Surely Mr. McMayne you will 

agree with me that under the circumstances 

Harry. What circumstances? 

Mrs. Voisine. Why that Mr. Manners should be attacked 
because of a woman and then say he knows nothing about 
love surely does produce a crisis. 

Harry. John you are certainly a curiosity. Here I find 
you talking with a pretty woman, informing her you know 
nothing about love and say it isn't a crisis. Well I will tell 
you one thing, the sooner you find out about love the better 
it will be for you. I hear all sorts of tales. Not a soul will 
ever believe such a cock and bull story. John you are sly. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! no I don't think so, Mr. McMayne, I 
thi::k 

Miss Tattel. Oh! it is so interesting! 

Mrs. Voisine. I think Mr. Manners deserves all of our 



.35 



support, and oerhaps some of our pity. (Miss Tattel eyes 
Mrs. Voisine curiously.) 

John. Pity! Why pity? 

Mrs. Voisine. Because a man who knows nothing about 
love is liable to fall a prey to any designing woman. 

John. Not if he steers clear of them. 

Mrs. Voisine. Many ships have been lost because the 
compass was wrong. 

John. {Bluntly.) But you can't be shipwrecked if 3'ou do 
not go to sea. 

Harry. Oh ! you can't, look at me. My life is one long 
wreck. 

Miss Tattel. Oh! dear, how very interesting. {Enter 
Miss Earnest.) You dear, you have missed so much. 

Miss Earnest. So much. We all miss in this world so 
many great opportunities which even see mto reach out to us 
like hands of those who are lost in wreck 

Harry. Yes, we were just talking of shipwreck. John 
here is pretty nigh done for. 

Miss Earnest. He is lost? Do you mean 

Harry. Yes for sure. He's a goner. Do you know 
he doesn't even know what love is. Why even you know that. 

Miss Earnest. Me, love, you are crazy young man. {Enter 
Bert.) By the 

Bert. It does seem a little malapropos. It is some time I 
fancy since you experienced the tender passion. 

Miss Earnest. {Aghast.) Tender passion why 

Harry. Forgotten all about it. We know. John seems to 
have forgotten. I just arrived in time to hear Mrs. Voisine 
refresh his memory. 

Mrs. Voisine. Mr. McMayne, I fear you wilfully misunder- 
stood me. 

Bert. Well, for my part I can't see what Miss Earnest's 
past love affairs have to do with John's election. 

Miss Earnest. (Hoirrified.) My past love affairs! Why I 
never had any. I never had such things. I 

Harry. Things ! They are not things Madam, they are 
feelings. I guess I know. (Looking tenderly at Bert.) 

Miss Earnest. I never had feelings. I 

36 



Harry. Yes, that is just what John says. Look at him, 
see what a reputation he has. If you continue in your de- 
termination to down the men you will be in just such a fix. 
I tell you Miss Earnest these people who don't know what 
love is had better look out. Why, I have all I can do to 
keep my head above water. 

Bert. Don't be absurd. We all know John hasn't any 
more idea of love than a little yellow dog. John is straight 
business. So am I. I think we can all take care of our love 
affairs. {Enter Mrs. Jones and Dr. Gibbons.) 

Dr. Gibbons. 'Good morning everybody. What is this I 
hear? Talking about love. Now really. 

Mrs. Jones. I knew women were always interested, but 
I hairdly expected John Manners to be. 

John (Hotly.) I'm not. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! but I thought you were. (They all 
stare.) 

John. I? What nonsense. 

Mrs. Voisine. Well you asked about it. (Shyly.) 

John. (Ashamed.) Yes, I did say something. (Acts con- 
fused. Miss Tattel whispers to Miss Earnest who looks 
stern. ) 

Mrs. Voisine. (To Dr. Gibbons.) It seems silly I know. 
But I believe Mr. Manners was speaking about that attack 
on his character and said he could not understand it. I 
suggested he might have been in love (John disgiisted.) 

Dr. Gibbons. Yes, but please explain further. 

Mrs. Voisine. And he said he did not know what love 
was, — so — I tried to explain. 

Harry. I hope you did not try to demonstrate. (He 
giggles.) 

Mrs. Jones. (Smiling.) Hush you naughty boy. 

Dr. Gibbons. Really (Hesitates.) it seems to me very 

remarkable — it — why it 

Harry. Yes it seems too good to be true. And if it is too 
good to be true it is. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh! Harry, do hush. 

Dr. Gibbons. You said you were instructing him 

Mrs. Voisine. (Simpering.) No, — no — not instructing 

.S7 



him. I couldn't do that only well, he said he didn't 

know 

Dr. Gibbons. And you told him you did. Just how that 
is going to help elect him I don't see. {Severely.) 

Miss Earnest. No, nor I. Nor do I see what my early 
love affairs 

Harry. (Joyfully.) Oh! you had them. Now John after 
that surrender you must give in. 

Miss Earnest. I did not have them. By the 

Harry. Please don't swear. I am too young and too ten- 
der. The example would be awful. 

Mrs. Jones. Harry, you must behave yourself. 
I Harry. I don't see why. Miss Earnest is looking for her 
rights. Swearing is one of them. How do I know where she 
will stop. My youth must be protected. 

Miss Earnest. But this is all nonsense. We are here for 
a great and glorious cause and the trivial things of earth 
must be brushed aside. (Makes a motion with her hand) 

Harry. My, though, she will become vituperative next. 
(Aside.) 

Miss Earnest. I fear (Looking at Mrs. Voisine.) that 
sufficient weight has not been given to the gravity 

Harry. There, you know it now, so does John. These 
things overtake one in after life. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Feeling somewhat hurt.) I think perhaps 
\ had better go. The conversation has not taken a serious 
♦urn, and, Mr. Manners, I shall have to seek some other oc- 
casion in which to explain my ideas. (Harry puts his hand 
to his mouth and the ladies look severe. Bert smiles.) I 
am sorry, Mr. Manners, to have been interrupted. 

John. But I will see you again. You can then give me the 
information you promised. (Mrs. Voisine gives a signiUcant 
Utile smile and goes out. Harry claps his hand over his 
mouth and a silence exists which becomes painful. John 
perceives it and turning continues.) Well? (Still silence. 
John gets nervous and Bert comes to his rescue.) 

Bert. I think, Dr. Gibbons, you had something to pro- 
pose 

Dr. Gibbons. (Slowly.) Yes, something to propose, but 

38 



I do not know quite if I care to propose it now. (With 
emphasis. ) 

Bert. And why not now? 

John. (Eagerly.) And why not now? Surely we want 
all the help we can get. (Enter Mi's. Voisine.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Oli ! I cannot find the elevator. Did I turn 
the wrong way? 

John. You must have done so. I will show you. (Exeunt.) 

Harry. Well I never. 

Miss Earnest. Never what? 

Harry. Never saw anything neater than that. 

Dr. Gibbons. Pray, explain. 

Harry. (Putting his finger along side his nose.) Just 
wait and see how long it takes him to find the elevator. 
I'M bet he's forgotten all about it. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh ! Harry for shame. (Laughing.) 

Dr. Gibbons. Surely you don't mean 

Miss Earnest. It cannot be possible that in such a crisis 
when the very heavens are expectant 

Harry. Oh ! come down to earth. 

Miss Earnest. Come down to earth! (Gasps.) 

Bert. Of course, Harry, you are absurd. Nothing could 
be more natural. 

Harry. That's just what I say. She is pretty. 

Bert. Harry, if -ou don't stop making fun of John you 
will hear from me. 

Harry. There now, there you go, standing uo for John all 
the time never giving me a show. 

Bert. Of course I'll stand u" for him, he and I are pals. 
(Dr. Gibbons raises her eyebrows.) 

Bert. John is as straight as the day and you know it. If 
this woman is a bit silly it isn't his fault. 

Miss Tattel. But it was very queer. 

Bert. I don't see it. He can't help what a woman does. 
He is as innocent as a lamb. 

Harry Oh! (Nods his head.) And like the lamb is led 
to the slaughter. 

Dr. Gibbons. After the rumors we have heard it seems to 



39 



me very singular to find a pretty woman here talking to 
him 

Miss Tattel. Yes, and about love, too. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh ! love is merely an incident. 

Miss Earnest. You may think so, Mrs. Jones, but to 
me 

Harry. It is vital. 

Miss Earnest. Wretch. 

Dr. Gibbons. It seems no one knows her and she is pretty. 

Harry. And that deserves death from her sex, I suppose 
Madam if you all had your rights there wouldn't be a pretty 
woman left. 

Dr. Gibbons. (Not noticing Harry.) But for us, now, at 
this juncture to compromise our cause, why surely it would 
expose us to unmerciful ridicule. It is well to stand up for 
the night but we must be sure it is right. (Turning to Bert.) 
You are sure of your friend and I am quite in sympathy 
with you. In fact I agree that your friend is a fine man and 
deserves your good opinion, but I do not like the situation. 

Mrs. Jones. Perhaps she is a widow. If so, John has 
as good a right to be in love with her as anyone else. 

Bert. (Angrily.) But that is nonsense. 

Mrs. Jones. Why nonsense? I am a widow myself. 
(Looks at Harry tenderly.) 

Bert. (Testily.) Perhaps you think John is in love with 
you. 

Mrs. Jones. No I don't. I wish he were. I'd marry him. 
(Bert sniffs.) 

Dr. Gibbons. I, too, a ma widow. I suppose I am hu- 
man 

Harry. You too, madam ! How can you be human and 
want your rights? 

Dr. Gibbons. (Not noticing Harry.) I am human, as I 
said, but I do not think at the present time in a lawyer's 
office, the subject of love is especially apropos, even if the 
lady happens to be a widow. 

Miss Tattel. But Who knows if she really is a widow? 

Dr. Gibbons. He has always been above reproach, you 
all agree? 



40 



Miss Earnest. So far. But how do we know when the 
demon of unrest may seize a man 

Harry. Yes, or even a woman. 

Miss Earnest. And he be swept off his feet — into the 
whirlpool 

Harry. (Aside.) My though hasn't she had a time! 

Bert. But Miss Earnest it is nonsense to suppose that 
John has ever even had the chance, much less to be swept 
off his pedal extremities. 

Miss Tattel. Yes, yes, but why doesn't he come back. 

Harry. Perhaps he has already been swept over the brink 
of the elevator well. 

Miss Earnest. I for one am for going very slowly in this 
matter. It is very easy to take a misstep, it is not so easy 
to right it. 

Harry. She speaks with conviction. {Aside.) 

Bert. You can never make a mistake with a man like 
John. 

Dr. Gibbons. You are very sure. {Smiling,.) Perhaps, 
no, you are above love. Pretty nice man. 

Miss Tattel. But that is why he is tempted. 

Harry. The more the temptation, the nicer the man. 

Bert. The rule doesn't always work. 

Harry. Oh ! Bert you are so cruel. 

Bert. No, just. I know John. I also know you. 

Harry. {Joyfully.) To know him was to love him. 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, Harry, we all love you if that is what 
you mean. 

Miss Earnest. {Decisively.) I don't. 

Miss Tattel. No, nor I. {Smiling.) 

Harry. And yet you believe in your rights Ahem ! 

Dr. Gibbons. I never saw a conversation drift as this has. 
We are here to help Mr. Manners. We came united in our 
purpose, we found a flirtation 

Bert. Don't say that. 

Dr. Gibbons. Not only a flirtation but a silly one at that. 
After the unpleasant news we had yesterday, after we had 
nobly thrown aside our very natural prid.e 

Bert. Please don't say that. 

41 



Dr. Gibbons. After we had put into a cause, quite sub- 
sidiary to the great one for which we are working, our in- 
terests and our efforts we find the seriousness of our purpose 
derided and we are threatened not only with failure but even 
with contempt. 

Bert. Yes I see how you feel and in a way are right, but we 
are going now to put aside any little thing that stands in our 
way and help John win this election. We are. 

Dr. Gibbons. But I feel we are now in a very peculiar 
position. 

Bert. How so? 

Dr. Gibbons. This Mrs. Voisine, explain her. 

Miss Earnest. Yes, explain why this flippant 

Harry. Yes, explain. I'm dying to know. Besides she's 
pretty. 

Dr. Gibbons. I for myself do not like — well like what I 
have seen . 

Harry. (Solemnly.) Nor I. 

Mrs. Jones. That was just fun. 

Miss Earnest. But fun, when 

Harry. Yes, we must have some fun. 

Miss Tattel. Then it was just fun. 

Harry. You bet. Didn't you ever have an-? Only just 
rights? My what a life! 

Dr. Gibbons. To tell the plain truth, it looked to me like 
a plain flirtation. 

Bert. Oh ! Dr. Gibbons, please don't speak that way. 
(John enters.) John was never guilty of such a thing. He 
doesn't know how to flirt. 

John. Flirt. What is this, flirt? 

Bert. John, you don't know how to flirt. You know you 
don't. 

Harry. I hope {Solemnly.) you haven't tried him (John 
is bewildered.) 

John. What makes you think that? 

Bert. It is beyond you. 

John. I don't know, I never thought. 

Harry. Then think, Oh ! think hard. 

John. Flirt, whom would I flirt with? 



42 



Bert. Oh! John. I am having such a time. These ladies 
all came here this morning quite decided to help you 

John. They are going to, aren't they? 

Bert. I hope so. But John they are now wavering. 

John. Wavering, why are they wavering? 

Bert. Oh! John how can I tell you? 

John. Straight out, I am never afraid of the truth. 

Bert. They say you have been flirting. 

John. I? I flirt. Flirt, how do I know how to flirt. 

Bert. That is what I said. You are as innocent as a 
baby. (John looks a little disgusted.) You haven't the 
least idea of such things. 

John. No, nor you either. Apparently we are just two 
babes. 

Bert. Yes we are, John, and the old crows will come and 
bury us under the leaves. 

Harry. Hens, vou mean. 

John. But if I don't know how to flirt and haven't any- 
one to flirt with 

Bert. But they say you have. 

John. I have ! Nobody but you, Bert, and you wouldn't 
if you could. 

Bert. But they say you were flirting with Mrs. Voisinc 

John. {Amazed.) With Mrs. Voisine, why I don't know 
her. 

Miss Earnest. But you were talking love to her. 

John. About love, yes. {Snappishly-} not love. I might 
even talk about love to you. I hope my reputation would 
not suffer. {Disgusted.) 

Miss Earnest. But it is silly if not criminal. 

Bert. But, John, don't despair, we will stick by you. 

Miss Earnest. Not I. The eternal fitness oi 

Harry. You mean self-respect and the cause 

Miss Tattel. But I couldn't if it's criminal 

Dr. Gibbons. I think Mr. Manners, it is wise for us to 
abstain from further discussion. You see how the ladies 
feel and Mrs. Jones if your carriage is waiting, all things 
considered, I think we would be wise to return to the house. 
Besides we may miss Mrs. Croesus. Good-day Mr. Manners. 

43 



Be cheerful. We trust it will all come right. I for myself do 
not like the looks of Mrs. Voisine. You may have keener 
instincts. (Severely. Exeunt Mrs. Jones and Dr. Gibbons.) 

Miss Earnest. (With great dignity.) For my part, Mr. 
Manners, I regret having entered your office after finding 
what was here. 

Miss Tattel. Oh ! Mr. Manners I am so sorry. I do hope 
there is nothing criminal. Goodby. (Exeunt Misses 
Earnest and Tattel.) 

Bert. (Savagely.) The old cats! 

Harry. Sh, sh, you'll hurt the cause. 

Bert. (Clinching her teeth.) the cause! 

Harry. There, there, come Bert, it's one of your rights, 
but let me say it. 

Bert. (Earnestly.) Say it. 

Harry. Damn. 

Bert. Louder. 

Harry. Damn ! 

Bert. There, I feel better. (Tuning to John.) Come 
now, old fellow, brace up, we will down them yet. Fighting 
for right, pah ! for right and for some little nonsense 

Harry. Do you want my help again? 

Bert. Right is right, and just because of a little foolish- 
ness, just a mere chance, such as might happen to anyone, 
even a woman like Dr. Gibbons gets bugs into her head. 
Pah ! I never saw such a lot 

Harry. Help ? 

Bert. And all about a woman, a woman whom no one 
knows about, a woman 

Harry. Damned pretty woman. (Bert stops, looks 
thoughtfully, then looks at John, hesitating.) 

Bert. Say, John, you weren't flirting with her? 

John. Oh! Bert. 

Bert. Well, men have done such things. 

Harry. I think I'll be going. (Exit.) 

Bert. (Pleadingly.) John do tell me you were not flirt- 
ing with — with that thing? (Enter Harry and Annette.) 

Harry. Ran into her outside. Told her she'd missed the 
nicest thing in life, seeing John flirt. 

44 



Annette. Oh! I am so sorry Bert. I'm always just too 
late. But did you see it? 

Bert. I don't know. 

Annette. Don't know? 

Bert. No. I don't flirt myself, and John says he doesn't, 
so I can't tell. 

Annette. But you can flirt without knowing it. 

Bert. You can? I don't see how. Explain. 

Annette. Why it is just like walking in your sleep. 

Bert. It is. 

Annette. Yes, of course. I have often flirted with John 

Bert. You have? 

Annette. Yes, but he didn't know it. 

Bert. Then perhaps that was the case with Mrs. Voisine. 

Annette. With Mrs. Voisine. Was he flirting with Mrs. 
Voisine ? 

Bert. Well it looked like it. 

Annette. With that woman, why I heard she was an 
awful woman. 

John. You did. {Excited.) 

Annette. Now John, dear, don't worry. You'd never have 
anything to do with her. (Bert starts as though suspicious.) 

Harry. Oh! I guess she'll flirt all right, if what I hear at 
the club is true. 

John. You hear a lot of stuff at the club. It is almost 
as bad as a woman's rights association. 

Bert. Now Harry what did you hear? Tell us plainly. 
We want to know. 

Annette. Yes, do tell. I'm just dying of curiosity. What 
a pity Miss Tattel isn't here too. She is always so much in- 
terested. 

Harry. Now look here girls, it isn't fair for a man to tell 
everything he knows. 

Bert. But we must know and know now. 

Harry. It seems to me (Sulkily.) you are somewhat in- 
terested, perhaps on your own account. 

Bert. (Innocently.) No, on John's. 

Harry. Yes, that is what I mean. It is on John's account. 
You don't like to see him flirting with a pretty woman. 

45 



Bert. {Angrily.) I think you need a thrashing. You 
know where my interest lies. 

Harry. Well I'll say just this. You know John and I 
are good friends and if John is a little human I am not go- 
ing to give him away, that is all there is about it. 

Bert. {Slowly.) So you can give him away? (John 
meanzvhile frowns.) 

Harry. No I don't. I mean just this: He is a man and 
if he is square with me I have nothing further to ask. If he 
wants to have a good time with a pretty woman I certainly 
am not one to fire stones. 

John. {Restraining himself.) But that does not explain 
what you hear at the club. 

Harry,. Just what I hear at woman's rights associations. 
You suggested it yourself. You will be a suffragette so you 
must hear gossip. I merely state Mrs. Voisine is a pretty 
woman. That is all I know. You may know more. {Sig- 
niHcantly.) 

John. Well I know this Harry McMayne, if I don't know 
about love and sucJi stuff I am man enough not to slur a 
woman. Mrs. Voisine is pretty, a very pretty woman. In 
that I agree with you. But to put any stigma on her, I won't, 
there is no reason. 

Harry. Nor do I put any stigma on her. I simply said 
she's pretty. She can't help that. And they say at the club 
she will flirt. 

John. And is that all? 

Harry. Yes that is all, what more do vou wish to know? 

Bert. I think that is enough. Why does she want to 
come here and raise an issue with us when she bears such a 
reputation ? 

John. Come now, Bert, you are unfair. 

Harry. {Grinning.) Oh! Bert, remember she is pretty 
and Ave men are weak. Don't be foolish John. Be a man, 
and just a man, flirt if you like. 

John. I don't want to flirt and I think it is all foolishness. 

Annette. But John you must have given some encourage- 
ment. 

John. Never. T say never. 

46 



Bert. (^Suddenly.) But you were talking about love to 
her. 

John. Oh ! drop it. 

Annette. Why, I always thought that was flirting, unless 
you were in earnest. 

John. Oh ! what madness. You people drive me mad. 

Harry. Then Annette, we had better go. 

Bert. Yes, perhaps John can explain it better when we are 
alone. 

Harry. All r'ght. But be easy with him Bert. Don't 
make him suffer too much. Good-bye. 

Annette. Good-bye, Bert, and cheer up John, it is hard 
never to have known what love is. Oh ! Bert do teach him a 
few things. 

Bert. Teach him! (Exeunt Harry and Annette.) 

John. WeU? 

Bert. Well? (Long pause.) 

John. (Bitterly.) You might teach me a few things. 

Bert. (Slowly and thoughtfully.) You need it. 

John. Oh! do I? (Nodding his head impressively.) 

Bert. Yes, I must say I do think so. 

John. (Sarcastically.) You call yourself a friend. If is 
surely the part of a friend to help ai)rother. 

Bert. (Slowly.) Yes I am a friend. 

John. Yes ? 

Bert. And it is the part of a friend to help another. 

John. And are you quite sure you know how? 

Bert. Perhaps I might guess. 

John. Then do it. 

Bert. (Laughing.) I judge from Annette's remark I was 
to teach you what love is. 

John. (Earnestly.) Yes do. (Bert starts.) 

Bert. But has this to do with woman's rights? 

John. I don't know. But if there is such a thing as love 
it ought to be her right to teach a man what it is. 

Bert. I wonder. I thought it just came. 

John. Oh ! it comes does it, like the flowers that bloom in 
the spring tra-la 

Bert. But you make light of it. 

47 



John. Why not — ha — ha . You must confess it is 

funny for you and me to be talking about love. 

Bert. I don't know. 

John. You believe in it. 

Bert. Let me see. I sometimes think I do. 

John. You sometimes think you do. (Slowly.) And what 
makes you? (She looks at him carefully.) 

Bert. You. (She rises and walks around.) 

John. I? (In surprise.) Pray why do I? 

Bert. Shall I tell? 

John. Pray do. 

Bert. Well, we must take the world as we find it. It is 
not reasonable to suppose we are all exceptions to the rules 
which govern that world. What might be quite natural for 
one would be impossible for another. 

John. How so? Illustrate. 

Bert. For instance. You are a man. A man is notori- 
ously helpless when he gets on in life. He must marry. 

John. Why must? 

Bert. Because he is incomplete. 

John. Why is not a woman incomplete? 

Bert. She is sometimes. Then she must marry or she be- 
comes a busy old maid always attending to other people's 
business. 

John. Do you expect to marry? 

Bert. (With scorn.) Marry, I marry? Of course not. 

John. Then you feel yourself complete. So do I. 

Bert. But you aren't, you know. 

John. I didn't know. 

Bert. But don't you understand? A man is just a man, 
he can never be anything else. A man can't be half woman, 
he would be a sissy. 

John. I am not a sissy, yet I feel myself complete. 

Bert. But you can't be. You have got to have a woman 
to finish what God has made. 

John. Well, a woman would soon finish me. 

Bert. Now you see a woman can be both man and woman. 
I propose to be that. I claim that I can be a true woman and 
have all the character and stability of a man. 

4S 



John. Then you don't intend to marry? 

Bert. No, do vou? 

John. You say I have got to. 

Bert. You have, to finish your mission in life. 

John. Say, what do you know about love? 

Bert. Nothing. 

John. Well don't you think you are somewhat incom- 
plete? 

Bert. (Starting.) I hadn't thought so. 

John. This love seems a very vital force. 

Bert. Yes, to Harry and Annette. 

John. Even Mrs. Jones seems to have tampered with it 
considerably. 

Bert. What rot! 

John. That is what I say. but it is a fact. 

Bert. Ask Mrs. Voisine she knows. (Significantly.) 

John. I believe I will. You sav I've got to marry. If 
she's a widow, why not her. She's pretty. Harry says so. 
His taste is extensive and varied. 

Bert. (Shortly.) That thing! 

John. Well I've asked you and I don't get much help. 
You are the only woman I'd marry 

Bert. Whew, this is news. How long since? 

John. Oh ! sometime. You are the only sensible woman I 
ever knew. 

Bert. Thank you. But you seem rather abrupt. Is it a 
proposal? 

John. No, only a possibility. 

Bert. Well — I — I — don't quite know what makes me feel 
so funny. I — I — ^believe it must be shortness of breath. And 
I am sure Annette would think it was cold bloodied. 

John. But I don't see anything so extraordinary in it. 
Of course it has been coming on a long time. 

Bert. Oh ! the symptoms ! Is the disease likely to reach 
a crisis? 

John. That's just what I can't tell. 

Bert. Why it's just what Annette told me to teach you. 

John. What do you mean? 

Bert. It's about Jove. 



49 



John. I wonder if that is it. I think I'll ask Mrs. Voisine, 
she's a married woman and will know. 

Bert. {Scornfully.) That woman! 

John. You don't like her. 

Bert. She talked love to you. 

John. Well, what of it? 

Bert. You flirted with her ! 

John. No I didn't. 

Bert. You are interested in her ! 

John. Yes. She is,.a fascinating woman. 

Bert. {Angrily.) The wretch! Perhaps she's a widow. 
You might marry her. She'd soon make a finish of you. 

John. What nonsense. I should never think of marrying 
her. 

Bert. Oh! just trifling with her. You don't care if she 
be a widow or not. If you married, you would marry me. 
If you loved I suppose you would love her. Oh ! her being 
married wouldn't be any in the way. 

John. Oh ! please. 

Bert. Yes I see now. Marriage is one thing, love is an- 
other. You take the world's view after all. Perhaps you 
think I am so phlegmatic that I wouldn't care. Perhaps you 
fancy because I am cured, yes cursed, by this thing called 
feminine, that with me marriage is simply a contract, just a 
legal document, just like buying a piece of land, you get a 
marriage certificate and it is merely a deed. Well you are 
cold blooded indeed. With your ideas I see no need of 
consulting Mrs. Voisine. Consult Annette, consult anybody, 
talk of love to them all. Yes talk love, it must be a pleasant 
subject. No one ever talked love to me, not even a young 
lawyer so very inexperienced that he had to corner a married 
woman in his office and begin the subject. 

John. Bert, for heaven's sake ! 

Bert. Yes, for heaven's sake ! I know I'm plain. I'm not 
a pretty zvidow. Pretty widow, indeed, Annette is not a 
widow. You don't talk love to her. Why not? She adores 
you. Afraid, yes, I see. And then — my God — I see, she's 
poor, — poor, — poor Annette. I understand John Manners. 
But cold blooded, why? 

50 



John. For heaven's sake hear me Bert. 

Bert. I will not hear you. Go, go, to Mrs. Voisine, talk 
love to her. Do you hear? 

John. You act just as though you were in love with me 
yourself. 

Bert. My God do I hear right. {Amazed.) 

John. Yes, that's the way the books talk. {Clock strikes.) 
Oh! I'm late. {Exit.) 

Bert. {Silent, looking around in impotent rage.) John 
Manners has dared to say that to me — to me ! {Pauses, still 
gazing around.) He says I act as though I were in love with 
him — I, in love — ha — ^^ha — with him ! Oh ! my God, let me 
think. If any other man had said that to me, I would have 
struck him down. Ethelberta Donne, in love with a man — a 
man. This humiliation to come to me! Me, who has been 
so good, so steadfast a friend. Friend ! Yes I will be a friend. 
Ha, ha, a friend. Why I feel I could throttle him with these 
hands. Throttle him— throttle him. {She stares ahead.) 
Oh! God — Oh! I do love him. {Sinks on a couch and sobs.) 

Curtain. 



51 



ACT III. 

Scene. — Committee room in Convention Hall. 

Time. — Next day in afternoon. Enter Bert dressed in a very 

feminine manner zmth a distinct air of attractiveness. 

Bert. Well, such a nig^ht ! {Sinks into a chair.) Talk 
about your revolutions, why I am a whole South American 
collapse. The insurgents won. Look at this ! (Exhibiting her 
frills.) I am no longer a sufFragent, I am now — why I do de- 
clare I am not even a suffragette, No (Slowly.) I am, Oh! 
perish the thought, I am just a woman. Ha! a woman! Yes, 
a woman, and, oh ! well, out with it, just a weak woman. 
Such a night ! I do believe I never slept a wink. And such 
a fright. (Looks at herself in a pocket mirror.) Actually, I 
look hideous. So pale! Oh! just a touch of color. Annette 
said I looked like a scared ghost. So I do, there. (Touching 
her cheek with a little rouge from her bag.) There, no one 
would notice that. Now, (Looking at herself carefully.) I 
do look better. I wish (Looking around.) they would have 
mirrors in woman's rig'hts places. Blast it, I say. (Pause.) 
But what am I doing? I? I who — ^pah ! (Laughs.) pah! ha — 
ha — ha — I — I actually am painting! I am getting to be a 
bedizened female. I who scorned such wretched things, 
tricks — mere tricks ! Oh ! look at me. Why am I thus ? 
What has changed me? And he'll never notice. No, he'll 
just say I talk as though I'm in love with him. In love with 
him! In love with him, and oh! God! I am, I am. (Sinks 
into chair. Enter Annette. She looks around in a be- 
wildered manner when she discovers Bert in a collapse.) 

Annette. (After gazing at Bert awhile.) Why Bert! 

Bert. (Rousing herself half dazed.) Oh! 

Annette. Whatever is the matter with you? 

Bert. (Wearily.) Oh! I don't know. 

Annette. Are you ill? Let me do something. 



53 



Bert. (Rising.) You can't do anything. (Struggling.) 

Annette. Yes, dear, I can, let me see. (Bert remembers 
the rouge and starts to get it, but restrains herself.) Why 
Bert, Bert dear, you are going to have an attack! (Bert 
sees the rouge and laughs hysterically.) 

Bert. Oh ! I'm all right. I am just a little upset over 
things. 

Annette. What things? (Bert maneuvers to get the 
rouge but Annette thwarts her, thinking she may faint.) 

Bert. Oh! things in general. (She makes another attempt 
at the rouge. Annette again tries to intercept her.) 

Annette. Now don't. Please don't. Sit down. (Pulls 
out smelling salts and pushes Bert into a chair.) There now 
just keep quiet a moment. (Bert's eyes search for the rouge.) 
Now don't you feel better? 

Bert. Yes a little. (Makes another start.) 

Annette. Oh! Bert do sit still. (Bert resigns herself.) 
This has been a great strain on you. (Bert jumps again, 
thinking Annette has discovered her secret. They are 
quiet a moment during zvhich time Bert's eyes look for the 
rouge and Annette's hand goes to her heart.) Do you 
think, Bert dear, John will get the vote of the conven- 
tion? (Bert starts again, and makes another movement for 
the rouge.) 

Bert. I don't know. 

Annette. But if he shouldn't, wouldn't it be awful ! You'd 
feel it wouldn't you? (Bert clinches her hands feeling sure 
Annette has divined her secret.) 

Bert. (Defiantly.) Oh! I don't know. (5"^/// looking at 
the rouge.) 

Annette. Why, Bert, what makes you look so? You 
aren't seeing things are you? Come now do keep quiet. 
Here take a Little more. (Holding up the vinaigrette.) 
You see it would be so awful for John, wouldn't it dear? 

Bert. What has that to do with me? (Snappishly.) 

Annette. Oh ! Bert ! Don't talk that way, please don't. 

Bert. (Strugglitig.) Of course I hope it will go all 
right 

Annette. For John's sake, of course, dear. 



54 



Bert. I don't know about John's sake. There are higher 
things than men. 

Annette. What? {Innocently.) 

Bert. Annette! {Appearing shocked.) 

Annette. But if you love a man 

Bert. Love a man! Ha — ha — love a man. {Making an- 
other attempt at the rouge.) 

Annette. Don't Bert. There's nothing on earth like loving 
a man. (Bert glares.) Don't you think so? 

Bert. {Slowly.) Loving a man! How should I know? 

Annette. {Not heeding.) You see, you get so wrapped up 
in him, so completely wrapped up in him,(5"t'r.y Bert's look.) 
now don't look that way, do keep quiet. 

Bert. {Gritting her teeth.) I'm all right. 

Annette. Well it just makes one down sick. (Bert glares. 
Annette looks sad.) Really it does. {Pauses, while Bert's 
eyes again seek the rouge.) You see John is such a fine 
fellow. I'd do anything for John. 

Bert. {Sarcastically and still ivith further glances at the 
rouge.) You are very kind. He doesn't seem to appreciate it. 

Annette. Yes that is the trouble. He is just like ice. 

Bert. {Interested.) Oh! 

Annette. Just as though there wasn't a woman in the 
world. {Sadly.) 

Bert. He seems to think there is now. 

Annette. Oh! Bert! 

Bert. Yes, for instance there seems to be Mrs. Voisine. 

Annette. Mrs. Voisine! You don't think anything of 
her? 

Bert. {With determination.) I don't believe John has 
had an aflfair with her, no, of course not. But how are you 
going to stop the old cats? (Bert rises. Annette jumps to 
prevent her.) 

Annette. Oh! do be careful Bert. What would John say 
if you got sick. 

Bert. {Testily.) What do I care. 

Annette. But just now. You must think of John. 

Bert. Well I am thinking of John. {Executing a Hank 
movement and almost securing the rouge.) 



55 



Annette. And Bert you will do all you can in the meet- 
ing. They'll all be here soon. 

Bert. Yes, of course.- But you seem very anxious. 
(Jealously.) 

Annette. I am! Oh! Bert you don't know how I suffer. 

Be)'t. (Astonished and forgetting the rouge.) Suffer, 
you suffer, why pray should you suffer? 

Annette. Why Bert it would break my heart if the con- 
vention shouldn't uphold him. (Moves around. Bert sud- 
denly remembers the rouge but Annette still remains be- 
tween her and the rouge.) 

Bert. But they will. Besides you needn't be so awfully 
concerned. We are all interested. 

Annette. But Bert it isn't the same to you. (Bert starts.) 

Bert. Me, why not? (Defiantly.) 

Annette. But I love him. I do, I do. (Sobs.) 

Bert. (Slowly.) You love him, 1 thought you loved 

Harry. 

Annette. I do. 

Bert. You love two men. Well that take* me. Please 
explain. (Comes nearer.) You aren't any kind of a Morman? 

Annette. Yes I am. I'm a female Morman. I'm awfully 
sorry. You see it is like this. Harry loves me but I am poor. 
Harry appeals to my sentimental side and John appeals to 
my nobler nature. John has money. 

Bert. But you can't marry them both. It's against the 
law. 

Annette. I don't konw. Mrs. Jones did. I suppose it 
might be called successive polygamy. 

Bert. (Relieved.) So you are in love with John and that 
is why you want him elected. I am so glad. 

Annette. Glad! (Noticing her gown for the first time.) 
I, say Bert, what in the name oi all the saints have you got 
on. ( Bert suddenly remembers the rouge and makes a 
dive for it but Annette again interferes.) 

Bert. (Trying to be calm, but still nervous.) This! Oh! 
this is a new gown. How do you like it? 

Annette. Why, it's fine ! And how handsome you are. 
And your red cheeks. (Bert jumps.) Why you don't know 



56 



how becoming they are. I suppose its your fatigue that 
makes them so rosy. But really Bert do explain this change. 
I am simply crazy to know. 

Bert. Well, if you must know. I have made a discovery. 

Annette. You have? You will soon be hke Miss Tattel. 

Bert. No I won't. I am not so fond of discovering things. 
I have just found out I am a woman, and I won't sail under 
false colors. 

Annette. And how did you find it out? (Bert makes an- 
other attempt at the rouge but Annette sees it and is de- 
lighted.) Oh! you have found it out with a vengeance. Oh! 
Bert who would have supposed you would come to that. 
(Grabs it.) Just my kind. (Dances mith delight.) 

Bert. Now Annette please don't give me away. If j'^ou 
will promise — I'll — do something for you. 

Annette. You will? Oh! you dear. 

Bert. Yes, I'll — I'll help you with John. 

Annette. It's a bargain. (Enter Miss Earnest.) Oh! 
how do you do Miss Earnest? (Bert grabs the rouge.) It 
is such a nice day. 

Miss Earnest. (Staring at Bert.) Yes a beautiful day to 
do a holy work. Miss Donne you seem to be armed for the 
fray. What a beautiful dress ! 

Bert. (Annoyed.) Yes it is nice, but what has it to do 
with the great and grand movement which reaches out to 
the 

Miss Earnest. Yes, that is just what I don't see. 

Bert. (Hastily.) Well never mind the dress. We must 
see that John gets the endorsement of the convention. 

Miss Earnest. Hum! Serve his interests by serving our 
own. The vast and important issues 

Bert. Require prompt and decisive action. 

Miss Earnest. But I trust we can accomplish the great 

(Enter Miss Tattel.) 

Miss Tattel. Oh! how do you all do this afternoon? Why 
Miss Donne how fine you look! (Bert shrinks.) And such 
a healthy color. (Annette giggles.) Well this nice bracing 
air does one good really. Even my cheeks show it. (Bert 
starts and drops the rouge. Horror of Bert and Annette.) 



57 



Miss Earnest. {Her eyes tozvard heaven.) Accomplish 
the great 

Miss Tattel. Oh! dear Miss Donne, didn't you drop 
something? {Looking around.) 

Bert. {With assumed carelessness.) No. did I? 

Miss Tattel. {Eagerly.) Oh! yes, here it is. (Bert 
makes an unsuccessful grab after it.) There it is. {Can't 
help looking.) Oh! {Titters.) Why it says 

Bert. {Savagely.) Here I'll take it. Annette, this must 
be yours. {Handing it to her. Annette gasps.) 

Annette. {Struggling with laughter.) But Bert 

Bert. Here take it. {Shakes her Hst at Annette, who 
calmly takes it to the intense interest of Miss Tattel and 
Miss Earnest.) 

Miss Tattel. Oh! I didn't understand. {Titters.) 

Miss Earnest. {Resuming, her hand still held out in ges- 
ture.) Accomplish the great and good purpose 

Annette. Oh! Bert, this doesn't belong to me. (Bert 
glares at Annette, who takes her cue.) Oh! I think per- 
haps Mrs. Voisine left it here yesterday. 

Bert. Yes, I am sure she did. {With relief.) 

Annette. She has such rosy cheeks! (Bert winces.) 

Miss Earnest. Yes she seems like a bedizened female. 

Annette. {Eagerly.) And you don't believe that about 
John. 

Miss Earnest. I believe there is a great over-rulinig 
power which {Enter Mrs. Voisine.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! how do you all do? I wanted {Slight- 
ly embarrassed.) to see some one. There is such a racket 
in the hall. 

Annette. And how is it going? {Clasping her hands.) 

Mrs. Voisine. {Sadly.) Oh! I don't know. They are hav- 
ing an awful time. Poor Mr. Manners ! 

Miss Tattel. Oh ! Mrs. Voisine. I think perhaps you have 
left something here yesterday. {Handing the rouge.) 

Mrs. Voisine. {In horror.) That stuff! Never. Pray 
what made you think so? 

Miss Tattel. {Confused.) I — I don't know. Someone 
said so. 



58 



Mrs. Voisine. Then someone must have used it herself. 
(Glancing at Bert who seems uneasy.) You are looking very 
well today Miss Donne. A woman of less pronounced views 
on marriage might be open to suspicion. 

Bert. Mrs. Voisine how dare you? {The others make a 
move to go. Annette approaches Bert.) 

Annette. Say dear do be careful. You know you are not 
strong. I think I will go in and see the fun. 

Miss Earnest. And we too, (To Miss Tattel.) must go 
and be on the battle-field when we hear the trumpet call. 

Miss Tattel. (Eager to get away.) Yes we must go. And 
Mrs. Voisine if you are sure that (Pointing to rouge.) doesn't 
belong to you I will try and find the owner. (Exit Annette 
and the old ladies. Bert still glares at Mrs. Voisine. She 
smiles and takes up the rouge.) 

Bert. I would like you to explain your last remark. 
(Angrily.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! it is 's make. (Inspecting the 

rouge.) 

Bert. Is it? I hadn't noticed. 

Mrs. Voisine. It is the best make, is it not? 

Bert. You ought to know. 

Mrs. Voisine. (With a shrug of her shoulders.) I, I know. 
I never use the stuff. Do you? (Sweetly.) 

Bert. (Gritting her teeth.) Use it! But I would like you 
to explain your remark. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Carelessly.) My remark! 

Bert. Yes, your insulting remark. 

Mrs. Voisine. (In surprise.) I made no insulting remark. 

Bert. You said something about marriage. 

Mrs. Voisine. Ha — ha, did I? Well really a handsome 
woman like you should not consider that an insult. That is 
only to be expected. Every woman thinks of it ; except per- 
haps you. I believe they call you a suffragent. 

Bert. (Still more annoyed.) But I am not, I am only a 
suffragette. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! and then you have changed. Perhaps 
that accounts for your fascinating costume. Would you mind 
telling me the name of your dressmaker. 



59 



Bert. You don't need to know. Your costume is suf- 
ficiently handsome as it is. It seems to attract the men. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Seating herself.) Oh! do you think so? 

Bert. (Bitterly.) Yes it is quite evident. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! you are thinking of your friend. 

Bert. My friend! What do you mean? 

Mrs. Voisine. (Laughing.) Your friend, Mr. Manners. 

Bert. (Severely.) Well, my friend Mr. Manners. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, I really do admire him immensely. 

Bert. You do? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes. He is such a fine type of a man. 

Bert. He always has been. 

Mrs. Voisine. He is still. At least I hope he is. 

Bert. (Savagely.) Well you ought to know. 

Mrs. Voisine. I — I know. Why should I know? 

Bert. You seem to have seen most of him lately. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Laughing a little.) Oh! have I? Yes I 
have seen him — some. (Bert stares.) 

Bert. You — why you 

Mrs. Voisine. (Serenely.) Yes, you see it was necessary 
because I — well — ha, ha. I had to talk business with him. 

Bert. So we have heard. Your business had to do with 
love. 

Mrs. Voisine. (Calmly.) Yes. He seemed much in- 
terested in that subject. 

Bert. So it seems. And you too, apparently. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh! I? I am always interested in that sub- 
ject. 

Bert. Doesn't there ever come a time when a woman 
isn't. 

Mrs. Voisine. Ah! you reflect upon my age. I am not so 
old. 

Bert. But you seemed much interested in the subject. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, frankly I was. 

Bert. (Suddenly.) You were? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, why not. Life is lonely enough, dreary 
enough without love. It cheers one up considerably. 

Bert. It amuses you? 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, vastly. 



60 



Bert. Does it interest you for your own sake or for 
Others ? 

Mrs. Voisine. Both. I am human, (Coquettishly.) very 
human. 

Bert. So I perceive. 

Mrs. Voisine. But I don't paint. 

Bert. What! (Angrily.) 

Mrs. Voisine. In spite of my complexion. (Laughing.) 
And I do like Mr. Manners. I wonder if he likes me. 

Bert. But you do flirt ! 

Mrs. Voisine. Flirt ! Now I wonder if I do. Flirt — flirt 
with Mr. Manners. (Looking at Bert smilingly.) And, oh! 
I see, you are attractive in that costume. 

Bert. And tell me, woman, are you married? 

Mrs. l^oisine. (Starting.) Married, married. Why what 
do you mean? What has that to do with the school question? 
What has that to do with the great and glorious cause, the 
cause with a big C such as Miss Earnest talks about? Oh! 
I see, I see. Miss Ethelberta Donne is interested in these sub- 
jects, the dress, the (Bert glares.) and Mr. Manners too. 

Yes, I see. (Enter John.) Oh! why how do you do, Mr. 
Manners? We were just speaking of you. 

John. (Greeting Mrs. Voisine zmrmly.) How do you 
do Mrs. Voisine. I am so glad to see you. (Bozmng care- 
lessly to Bert and looking at her admiringly.) How are you 
today Bert? 

Bert. (Dignified.) Ethelberta, if you please. 

John. Why Ethelberta? 

Bert. Oh ! It sounds more proper. Bert is getting too 
mannish for me. I'm tired of being a suffragent. 

John. Surely you are not going to desert the cause now. 

Bert. Oh ! no, I'll stand up for you all right when they 
get through jawing in there. 

John. (To Mrs. Voisine.) But you were speaking of me? 

Bert. (Sarcastically.) Mrs. Voisine was. 

Mrs. Voisine. T was speaking to Miss Donne of marriage. 

John. (Astonished.) Marriage. I can't imagine Bert, 
Ethelberta being interested in that subject. 



61 



Mrs. Voisine. But she is young, she is handsome, she is a 
woman 

Bert. For shame. If I did think of it, it would not be in 
this foolish way. 

John. (Carelessly.) But it is rather a foolish subject. 

Mrs. Voisine. Ah ! I trust Mr. Manners you may not al- 
ways think so. 

Bert. Why not. It needn't interest you. 

Mrs. Voisine. And pray why not? I am a woman. (De- 
fiantly.) 

Bert. Oh! then you have an interest. (Sneering.) 
■ Mrs. Voisine. (Looking around, then at John, speaking in 
a low voice.) Oh! yes, that of course is foolish, (Then 
laughing.) isn't it, Mr. Manners? 

John. (Smiling.) It does seem Mrs. Voisine that we do 
get on rather singular subjects. (He gives Bert an admir- 
ing glance.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Certainly I am not the one to begin' them. 

Bert. But they seem to arise where you are. 

Mrs. Voisine. You evidently think me the goddess of love. 
(Laughing.) 

Bert. (Exasperated.) I think — well I think it is very 
queer. 

Mrs. Voisine. Queer; why queer? 

Bert. You know why it is queer. 

Mrs. Voisine. But you seem to accuse me. 

John. Yes, Bert 

Bert. Ethelberta, if we are to discuss love. 

John. Mrs. Voisine only seems to be the victim of chance. 

Bert. Chance, forsooth. And you? 

John. Yes, you. This subject seems to have arisen be- 
tween you. Certainly I never suggested it. It is too absurd. 

Mrs. Voisine. Well, Mr. Manners you must admit that 
neither Miss Donne nor I am responsible, so therefore you 
must be. 

John. Oh ! this is too ridiculous. 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, this is a ridiculous age. Are you quite 
sure you have never thought about this ridiculous thing? 

John. (Savagely.) Yes quite sure. 



62 



Mrs. Voisinc. And you Miss Donne, you too are quite 
free also. 

Bert. I — oh! I. How can you say such things? 

Mrs. Voisinc. Symptoms, merely symptoms. 

Bert. Oh ! it's a disease. 

Mrs. Voisiiie. Yes, and very subtle. It's worse than 
smallpox, for you cannot be vacinated. Yes even worse, you 
can have it a second time. {Gives John a tender look.) 

Bert. (Angrily.) Yes, I suppose it is a kind of inter- 
mittent fever. 

Mrs. P'oisine. (Sadly.) I have found it so. (John eyes 
Mrs. Voisine curiously; she pouts.) 

.John. Does it usually last long? 

Mrs. Voisine. It depends on the violence of the exposure. 

Bert. (Bitterly.) Why don't you say violence of the 
attack ? 

Mrs. Voisine. Because it is like a photographic plate. The 
intensity of the light (Looking at John tenderly.) regulates 
the impression. 

John. (Flattered.) You certainly are an adept. 

Bert. Certainly Mrs. Voisine has had experience. (Miss 
Tattel enters.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Yes, you are right. And now Mr. Manners 
I must go and work for you. (Exit.) 

Miss Tattel. I do hope I shall find someone who owns 
that rouge. 

Bert. (Startled.) Rouge, Oh! I had forgotten. 

Miss Tattel. You are sure you don't know? (Excitedly.) 

Bert. Of course not. (Nerz'ously.) 

Miss Tattel. Peculiar woman, Mrs. Voisine. Very peculiar. 

Bert. I should think so. 

Miss Tattel. (Eagerly.) Kind that paints? 

John. Don't say that, Miss Tattel. No respectable woman 
paints. 

Bert. (Drily.) How do you know? 

John. It stands to reason. 

Miss Tattel. But she does look so. doesn't she Bert? 

Bert. Ethelberta please. 

Miss Tattel. (Surprised.) Oh! well I must run in. So 
exciting! (Exit.) 

63 



John. What got her going on painting? 

Bert. How do I know? 

John. Women don't paint unless they are bad. 

Bert. Oh! I don't know. Mrs. Voisine isn't bad. 

John. Who said she was. 

Bert. Oh! I didn't. I wouldn't hurt your feelings for the 
world. (Insinuatingly.) 

John. My feelings ! 

Bert. I trust I am too decent to malign a man's friends 
to his face. 

John. I should hope so. 

Bert. Oh! then she is a friend? 

John. Who is? (Surprised.) 

Bert. Oh! you are hopeless. (Gives a gesture of despair.) 

John. Hopeless! Why am I hopeless? 

Bert. Oh! John can't you see? Must I tell you? 

John. I am afraid you must. 

Bert. Can't you see this woman is no friend of yours? 

John. Friend of mine ! I wouldn't call her a friend, of 
course not. Friends are not made in a moment. 

Bert. No, nor even friendly. 

John. Come now Bert, you are certainly too hard. Women 
are all alike, they are always down on a woman, especially if 
she is a stranger. 

Bert. I know there is truth in what you say. But in this 
case you place yourself in an unpleasant position. 

John. I don't see how. She tries to help me, takes an in- 
terest in education and just because she is pretty 

Bert. Oh ! John what nonsense. We all know you don't 
care for pretty women. 

John. (Looking at her critically.) Oh! I don't know. I 
am not entirely insensible to good looks. 

Bert. (Snappishly.) It begins to look so. 

Jolm. A pretty woman, well dressed (Gives her another 
look.) is something a man is expected to admire. 

Bert. (Biting her lips.) So it seems. (Clinching her 
hands.) 

John. You don't seem to approve of it. 

Bert. No, I don't. Of course I don't. 



64 



JoJi}i. Rut I do, if the woman is worthy of it. 

Bert. liul she isn't. John you know she isn't. 

Jolin. No, of course not if she paints. (Bekt starts.) 

Bert. Paints ! oh yes. Well she does paint. 

Jolm. (Laughing.) Does she? Her cheeks are red 
enough to be sure. 

Bert. But John can't I wake you up to the seriousness of 
your position. 

John. I am quite ready to l)e waked up, but I really do 
not think I quite understand what j'ou are driving ai. 

Bert. That woman. 

.fohii. There you go back to that woman all the time. 

Bert. Of course I do, there is where the danger lies. 

John. I see no danger. It seems to me there is a lot of 
fuss made over nothing, and all because Mrs. "Voisine hap- 
pens to be pretty. 

Bert. No John, that is not the point. That woman is try- 
ing to entrap you into something. 

John. Entrap me. Ha — ha — ^^that is good. 

Bert. John you can't help see that there must be some- 
thing behind all this eagerness she has to help you, that she 
is not a woman to take any cause seriously 

John. Bert, if it weren't you, I surely would think you 
were jealous of Mrs. Voisine. 

Bert. Well, I might be jealous of her. I am human. 

John. Jealous of a woman who paints. You — ha ! 

Bert. I don't know what difference that would make. 
There are a lot of women who paint who are nice. 

John. Oh ! yes nice, of course but weak. 

Bert. Oh ! but John all women arc weak. 

John. Yes I fancy you are right. But why did you put 
on that dress? 

Bert. (Enibarassed.) This dress? Why, don't you like 
it? 

John. Of course I do. Do you know you are positively 
handsome in it? 

Bert. You didn't care for my looks before. 

Joh)i. Yes of course. But I didn't think about them. 

Bert. (Impatiently.) No apparently not. I am sure I 

; . 65 



don't wonder. I suppose you think I am weak. 

John. {Thoughtfully.) I don't know. 

Bert. Well John, I confess I am weak, awfully weak. 
(Silence.) That is why I wore this dress. 

John. When you are weak then you hang out the white 
flag. 

Bert. I think that must be about it. 

John. Now old friend what has come over /ou? 

Bert. {Sitting dozvu.) I reaHy don't know. Perhaps it is 
the stress of this political fight. 

John. Why take it so seriously? 

Bert. Why not? Why not worry when one's best friend 
is attacked and his character is besmirched? 

John. Yes, of course dear old fellow. I know how you 
feel, I 

Bert. {Somewhat seriously.) I am not so sure. 

John. Oh! yes I do. Why I have had lots of friends 

Bert. Friends yes, of course you have. But John you have 
never had but one woman friend. You can't understand the 
difference. 

John. But Bert you have always been just like a man — — 

Bert. But I am not a man, nor a bit like one. I am just 
a poor weak woman. So I came out in my proper colors, 
that is all. 

John. But you haven't told me why you think yourself 
only a woman. 

Bert. {Rising and walking about.) You would never un- 
derstand. You certainly cire just a man, that is all. 

John. Just a man, that is all. 

Bert. But a fine man, a noble man, a good man. 

John. A good man. Perhaps I can't help it. 

Bert. You can't. Why a thing like Mrs. Voisine 

John. Don't call her a thing 

Bert. Why not, she is a thing. 

John. Oh ! Bert don't say that. I know I am a man, just 
a man. Perhaps there is something in a man, just a man, 
when it is just a man, that does not like to hear a woman 
called a thing. My mother was a woman — she was not a 
thing. My wife will be a woman 

Bert. Your wife ! 



66 



John. Yes, my wife. I could never think of or want 
my wife to be called a thing. You know Bert, you have man 
enough in you to know it is not nice to say that of any 
woman. {Silence.) 

Bert. You then think of having a wife. {Drooping her 
head.) 

John. {Innocently.) Why of course. All men marry. 

Bert. There are a few independent souls who seem to 
think we females are an unnecessary luxury. 

John. But then you know Bert there are duties we owe 
the human race. 

Bert. Do you mean you and me? {Quizzically.) 

John. No, of course not, that is not now. 

Bert. You seem very much impressed with your duty 
towards the human race. Why don't you discuss this matter 
with your friend, Mrs. Voisine? 

John. With Mrs. Voisine ! 

Bert. Yes, she may be a widow. 

John. Oh ! Bert I wish you would drop her. You know 
you are the only woman I care a bit for. 

Bert. {Pleased.) Not for Annette? 

John. No, of course not. She paints. 

Bert. Couldn't you ever love a woman — who — painted? 

John. Certainly not. Such a hopeless weakness as that 
entirely precludes any thought of marriage for me. 

Bert. Not if she accidentally erred — just once? 

John. No, never. But drop that please and Mrs. Voisine. 
You know Bert what good friends we have always 

Bert. Yes I know. There is nothing a woman likes to 
hear so much. Why, isn't she always being just a good friend 
of a man? That's the way to talk, John. But don't forget 
the flowers. I myself don't care for flowers. I like something 
more substantial. 

John. Yes of course. Such trivial things are useless. 

Bert. Yes a great waste of money. 

John. To be sure. 

Bert. Don't send any to Mrs. Voisine any — more. 

John. Any more ! 

Bert. Yes ' any more. Miss Tattel whispered to someone 



she had heard you sent her a great bunch of American 
Beauties. 

John, k's an awful lie. 

Bert. Just what I saiid. Don't mind it. 

John. Oh! But, you are a good friend. Don't fail me. 

Bert. Yes, John, I am a friend. Yes. just the friend you 
want. 

John. Thank you. dear old Bert. (5"/;^ starts.) 

Bert. Yes — ^and — John, we'll let the human race take care 
of itself. {Enter Mrs. Voisine.) 

John. {Puzzled.) I am not so sure about that. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! Mr. Manners, I though you were alone. 

Bert. {Hastily.) He is. You wish to speak to him of 
course. I quite understand. He wants to speak to you. It's — 
it's about the humani race. 

Mrs. Voisine. About the human race ! 

Bert. Yes, he is deeply interested in it. 

Mrs. Voisine. He is, well so am I. {Puzzled.) 

Bert. Ahem! I thought so. {Exit.) 

Mrs. Voisine. I fear Mr. Manners, I am very mucii in the 
dark as to Miss Donne's meaning. 

John. So am I. She seems very queer. I don't under- 
stand her. She didn't used to be this way. 

Mrs. Voisine. {Sweetly.) Perhaps I can make it clear to 
you. 

John. You? Why what do you know about her? 

Mrs. Voisine. Only what one woman knows of another. 

John. You don't like her. 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! yes I do. I admire her so much. She 
is so manly. I don't wonder they call her a suffragent. 

John. But that is nonsense. 

Mrs. Voisine. I only wish she liked me as much as I do 
her. 

John. Who said she didn't like you. 

Mrs. Voisine. {Sadly.) No one. It is only too evident. 
But then I can stand that. I am accustomed to being dis- 
liked. It seems to be some people's lot. 

John. Do you think so? 

Mrs. Voisine. Think so ! I know so. That dreadful Miss 



68 



Tattel teJls all sorts of lies about me. 

John. That I sent you roses. 

Mrs. P'oisine. But you never did. 

John. That is what I said. I never thought of such a 
thing. 

Mrs. Voisine. No, of course not. Why should you? 
(With a bewitching smile.) 

John. I never indulge in such frivolities. {His eyes fall 
on the rose on her dress.) Someone I see has been frivolous. 

Mrs. Voisine. This, oh! this. {She sighs.) You are not 
one to know all things. You sneer at women. 

John. Oh ! no I don't. I see you have some sentiment. 

Mrs. Voisine. I am a woman. 

Johii. Some man gave you that. 

Mrs. Voisine. Some man? Perhaps. {Coqucttishly.) But 
then no one really likes me. It is so hard to find anyone 
who can understand one. It is always this horrible distrust, 
this utter loneliness that a womian feels. 

John. Is it so? I thought women seemed happy. 

Mrs. Voisine. {Sadly.) They are not happy. They are 
not. And {Energetically.) why are they not happy? Because 
they are distrusted. Just when they feel that there may be 
someone who can understand and appreciate them, oh! then, 
then comes that distrust, that bitter venum 

John. {Interested. ) Oh ! don't take it so to heart. There 
are many true people in the world 

Mrs. Voisine. Perhaps, but I don't seem to meet them 

John. Believe me now — ^there are. 

Mrs. Voisine. {Toying -with her handkerchief.) Do you 
think so? Oh! but you have not suffered. You are young, 
enthusiastic, brave, kind — oh ! you are — oh ! if I could have 
met you before — could have had a real chance in the world — 
not been so handled by fate, miserable fate — oh ! then I, too, 
could have been happy. No, you and I just meet in this world 
— just meet — in this worild and pass on. {Smiling rather 
sadly.) This is of course of no interest to you. And it is 
very silly 

John. {Eagerly.) No, don't say that. T am always sorry 
for people in distress. {Goes to her.) 

69 



Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! you are so kind. {Just touches her 
handkerchief to her eyes.) Of course you mean well, but you 
know you are really only a boy, and I mustn't let my mis- 
fortunes dim your life. 

John. They won't I am sure. You are trying to help me 
in my election and it is a small matter for me to give you 
my sympathy in your trouble. 

Mrs. Voisine. But they are so vindictive. Just think of 
them saying you sent me roses. What will they say next? 

JoJin. It does not matter what they say. We will face the 
meannesses of the world with a determined front. {Enter 
Harry zvho starts as he sees Mrs. Voisine give John her 
hand with a grateful look.) 

Harry. Oh ! John, I have tried so hard to find you. 

John. You have. What for? 

Harry. {Hesitating.) I have just learned some unfor- 
tunate news. {Looking at Mrs. Voisine.) 

Mrs. Voisine. Is it about the dection? , 

Harry. I am afraid it is. 

John. You are afraid. 

Harry. Yes. 

John. Why are you afraid? Tell us quick. 

Harry. Perhaps Mrs. Voisine would not like to hear. 

Mrs. Voisine. I? Why not. {Showing anxiety.) 

Harry. {Coldly.) Because you are concerned in it. 

Mrs. Voisine. {Szveetly.) I con!fess I am deeply. The 
school question is one 

Harry. Yes I know. But there is another just now on 
the carpet of much greater importance. 

John. What is it, what do you mean, Harry? 

J-Jarry. I mean that your reputation is at stake and I have 
found out all the aetails. 

Mrs. Voisine. All the details, quite all? 

Harry. Yes, all. {Silence. Mrs. Voisine a little defiant.) 

John. Harry please go on. You seem very mysterious. 

Harry. Does Mrs. Voisine desire me to tell all the de- 
tails ? 

Mrs. Voisine. {With affected surprise.) Certainly. 

Harry. Well John you were told your reputation was as- 



70 



sailed, that it was in danger from a woman, and there stands 
the woman. 

Mrs. Voisinc. (Savagely.) I, the woman? You are be- 
side, yourself. 

Harry. (Coldly.) I know. 

Mrs. Voisinc. (Laughing a little.) You hear Mr. Man- 
ners. You hear. It is just as I told you. 

John. Don't mind this. Tell me Harry what you know. 
You have no right to attack a woman like this. 

Mrs. Voisinc. No, leave such attacks to my own sex. 
From men I look for kinder treatment. 

Harry. Yes, and get it. (With a sneer.) 

John. Harry you must explain. I will not have you treat 
this lady in this rude manner. 

Harry. Oh! John you are just a new born baby. This 
woman has made a dead set for you 

Mrs. Voisinc. Can I believe my ears? 

Harry. She has sought to compromise you 

Mrs. Voisinc. Is it possible he can be a man? {To /ohn?) 

John. Harry, I can't have this. 

Harry. I know and I know for certain. I have proofs. 

Mrs. Voisinc. (Sweetly.) And they are? 

Harry. These. (Showing papers.) 

Mrs. Voisinc. (Mockingly.) These, and pray what are 
these. 

Harry. Police records. 

Mrs. Voisinc and John. Police records ! 

Harry. Yes, the chief of police kindly loaned them to mc. 
Shall I read them? 

Mrs. Voisinc. The chief loaned them — loaned them. 

John. Mrs. Voisine, can you explain? 

Mrs. Voisinc. (Recovering herself with diMculty.) Ex- 
plain, why I know nothing about it. I told you I was the 
victim of some terrible mistake — you know how those wo- 
men have talked. I have tried simply to do my duty, and if. 
Mr. Manners, just because I bave tried to do my duty, tried 
to carry forward a project that has always appealed to my 
deepest feelings, tried in doing so to assist you 

Harry. You have sought to hinder. The chief is a friend 



71 



of mine. He isn't in politics and lie knew — well he knew you 
were the friend of the boss. 

Mrs. Voisinc. It is false, false and you know it. 

Harry. It is true. You came here at the invitation of the 
boss. You are paid by him, you are — well you are a friend 
O'f his. 

Mrs. J^oisine. And what if I am. Surely he can have 
friends. 

Harry. Yes, but not such friends as you. 

Mrs. Voisine. Me, why not me? 

Harry. You forget the police records I have in my hands. 

Mrs. Voisine. It is all a contemptible lie — lie — lie. 

John. Give them to me Harry. (Takes flieni.) What ar- 
rested — ^what sentenced — oh ! Harry it must be a mistake. A 
description — oh ! Why it answers. Mrs. Voisine tell me, is 
it true? I see it is true. You have tried to win me over to 
some hellish thing. You! (Bert enters.) You have played 
your part. Woman tell me why did you do it? Why did you 
try to ruin what every man holds dear? I had not wronged 
you, I had not injured you. I was sorry for you when you 
said you were misjudged 

Mrs. Voisine. (Quietly.) Then you believe it? 

John. Why shouldn't I believe it? 

Mrs. Voisine. Oh ! well the game is up. Yes if you wish 
to know I am all it says. It doesn't matter to me. One must 
live. I am not rich like Miss Donne. (Taking up the rouge.) 
I do wonder if Miss Tattel has found the owner of this. 
You have a very beautiful complexion, Miss Donne. Perhaps 
you may yet take an interest in the human race. Good- 
bye Mr. Manners. You have not yet perceived that Miss 
Donne is in love with you. Better make sure. I like you 
Mr. Manners, you are a man. Good-bye. (Exit.) 

Harry. Well she is a cool one. (Exit.) 

John. Oh! Bert is it true? 

Bert. (Rousing herself.) Is what true? 

John. What she said? (Eagerly.) 

Bert. (In haste.) I should think you might judge. From 
such a source ! 

John. But oh ! Bert tell me. 



72 



Bert. Tell you! I must go into the hall. {Tries to get 

away. ) 

Jolin. Oh wait, please wait. {She goes out laughing. The 
noise and confusion in the hall increases.) Can that woman 
be right? Is it possible that she loves me? Me — 'why I do 
believe, I know now, yes it is true. I do love her — oh ! What 
a fool I've been. Bert, Bert, my darling, my darling — 
{Enter Bert with her hat on crooked.) 

Bert. Oh ! John, John, we've won, we've won. They'll 
all vote for you old fellow — Hurrah! Hurrah! 

John. Oh! Bert what do I care about this. Oh! Bert do 
you k;iow I love you, I love you. 

Bert. Oil! why didn't you say so before? 

Jolv.i. 1 didn't know, sweetheart. 

Bert. Oh ! my, how slow you men are. 

John. But Bert you haven't told me you love me. 

Bert. Oh ! haven't I ? I forgot. But that doesn't matter. 
You think I'd make you a good wife, and then, well, I think 
you'd make a good husband and all the requirements of 
civilization will be satisfied. That is all, isn't it? 

John. No, hut that woman said you loved me. 

Bert. Then she must know. But you know you can never 
marry a woman who paints. 

John. No, but what has that to do with it? 

Bert. Well just this. That is mine. {Taking up rouge.) 

John. Yours? 

Bert. Yes mine. If you really love me I will tell you about 
it. 

John. 1 do. 

Bert. Well last night I found out I was, oh ! John, I was 
a woman. And I suffered and suft'ered. This morning I 
was so pale — and John, dear, I did so want to have you love 
me. {lie takes her in his arms.) And I put on my best 
dress for }ou darling, and oh ! I was so miserable — and oh ! 
John, can't you marry a woman who paints ? Oh ! please do. 

John. My darling, I can. {Enter in great confusion the 
people from the convention, their hats on crooked and with a 
general disheveled appearance. They stop in amazement 
while Miss Earnest starts forward.) 



73 



Miss Tattcl. Oh! do tell us what has happened, I am so 
anxious to know. 

John. (Recovering himself and taking Bert's hand.) I 
have the pleasure of announcing, ladies, that Miss Donne has 
consented to become my wife. 

Miss Earnest. Really I should like to know what all this 
kind of conduct has to do with women's rights? 

Bert. (Turning.) Well if getting a man isn't a woman's 
right I would like to know what is ! 

Curtain. 



74 



